Why I'm Against Public Breastfeeding... Kind Of...

A friend of mine just posted a link to this article about a picture of breastfeeding mothers.  Two of the mothers are in their military uniforms (see below).

(Photo Credit: Brynja Sigurdardottir)

My friend's comment on the article was "Very interesting. It amazes me that feeding babies is such a social taboo... I hate to be obvious, but that's what breasts are FOR."

As a third wave feminist (Wikipedia basics), I've got a lot to say on the topic of breastfeeding in public.  Apart from the biological pros (some decently skewed articles here and here), there are a bunch of social issues to consider.

Admittedly, my first response to my friend's comment was "by that same logic, I ought to be able to have sex, urinate, or defecate in public because that's what those body parts are FOR."  Not one of my most enlightened thoughts.  However, it touches on one of the main issues (in my mind) about breast feeding: why do many people find it so disturbing?

One of the easiest (and culturally-influenced) explanations is that breastfeeding might have something to do with modesty.  After all, whipping boobs out in public is generally considered immodest (to put it mildly), and in our Puritanical society "good, honest, sweet women just don't do that."  (For my LDS friends, the general definition of modest living, not the screwed up version that obsesses about the length of shorts, naked shoulders, and "sexy" babies, is what I'm talking about - helpful articles that give some context here and here.)  Since the right kind of women don't do that, then a woman who does must be the wrong kind of woman, right?  So any time a woman shows off even part of her breast, she must be a tramp.  Ok, fine, we've defined modesty.

Except that breasts don't always serve a sexual purpose.  To an infant, breasts are just as innocuous as a fork or a cup.  Unfortunately, our poor, brainwashed social selves are often unable to see past the social definitions we've grown up with, and we fail to see it from the infant's perspective.  So, for better or worse, the general consensus in American culture is that breastfeeding is complicated, but still kind of dirty, and since it mixes sex and motherhood, it makes us feel weird.  Especially when the mother is a "good, honest, sweet woman" by all other counts.  Perhaps women who are still breastfeeding ought to take that into consideration and stop being so incensed by the reactions they get from doing so in public venues; parading your alternative lifesyle choices in front of people who prefer that everyone follow social norms has its consequences.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being more open-minded about breast feeding and not forcing babies to effectively eat their meals in public bathrooms.  In fact, in relatively private settings or appropriate settings (your home, homes of close friends or families, nursing lounges, nurseries, etc.), I'm all for doing whatever it is that works for your situation.  By all means, don't even bother covering up with a blanket if that's what floats your boat.  When it's appropriate.

BUT that doesn't mean you should be doing it where ever and whenever you want.  When you choose to have a child (not "choose to get pregnant" because even birth control + condoms can fail; I'm talking about choose to keep your baby, to adopt, to foster, to date/marry someone with kids, etc.) you understand that you're making certain sacrifices in the way you live your life.  One of those sacrifices for a while is that you have to be aware of your baby's feeding schedule and then adjust your personal life accordingly.

I think it's a double standard to be upset with one mother because she chooses to go out and leave her child frequently with a sitter but not chastise another for bringing her child to inappropriate venues.  Fact of that matter is that both women are acting selfishly.  I refuse to applaud a mother for bringing her small child to a nice restaurant (or other non-child-friendly locale).  I don't think she's crusading against social norms and refusing to be confined to a set definition of femininity and motherhood;  I think she's selfishly potentially ruining the expensive dinners of nearby diners.  Not just by breastfeeding, but because of all of the realities of babies - smelly diapers, crying, using walking space for highchairs, obnoxious baby talk...  It's not like the child is getting anything out of dinner.  More often, it's because the mother has something to prove.

Which brings me to the image from the original article.  Fact of the matter is that the women photographed breastfeeding in uniform know what the standards ought to be while wearing said uniform.  So while practicality might call for them to pump in the locker room in uniform while on active duty away from the public eye, arranging to be photographed participating in something that is clearly a physical sign of affection violates the spirit of the rules they agree to adhere to.  They're making a statement, and inappropriately using their uniforms to do so.

The photographer is quoted in the article saying "These women just happen to be in the Air Force, in their uniform, breastfeeding their babies" as though she innocently had no idea what was going on.  But the old adage is true: a picture is worth a thousand words.  Regardless of the personal opinions of anyone involved about breastfeeding and uniforms and whatever else their campaign is trying to encourage, fact of the matter is that they're selfishly making a statement that has nothing to do with their babies and everything to do with the women involved.

Being a mom isn't "convenient" for anyone.  Being a parent is about making sacrifices.  Sometimes that means putting off your social life for a little while, or altering it to a more socially acceptable location or activity.  Is proving a point really worth putting your baby in the center of a storm of negative reactions?  If so, you maybe ought to rethink your priorities.

Surprisingly, I'm not surprised

Generally, I don't love blogs that whine for the sake of whining.  My policy tends to be somewhere between "If you don't like what's happening, change what's happening" and "The secret to having it all is believing that you do."  In other words, figure out how to fix your problems or quit whining about having them.

And yet today I find that the same complaint I've had for probably about a decade is still true.  Somewhere in my 15-year-old brain, I kept hoping that things would change when I, and those around me, became adults.  Turns out, the same problems that I had in high school are just as true today as they where nine years ago.

To explain what's happening, I should probably start about six months ago.  Last semester, there was a guy in my Stagecrafting class.  Seemed like a nice enough guy, and I tried talking to him a couple of times, but he basically seemed to blow me off.  Not a big deal.  He seemed at the time to be a little more mature than the freshman in the class, which is good seeing as he's three or so years older than I am, so I just chocked it up to the general "I'm more mature than everyone here and most of them are beneath me" attitude that many students get when they're older than nearly all of their peers.  I'm guilty of the same attitude on occasion.  Whatever.

Flash forward to Monday.  After a few times of people goading me to register at PlentyOfFish.com, I decided to finally give in.  After all, one never knows where he or she will find the opportunity that leads them to their next relationship.  So, swallowing my pride and realizing that I was a hypocrite to do so after all that I've said about online dating, I filled out a profile and uploaded a picture.  Huzzah?

Amusingly, this same guy was one of my top matches after I'd registered.  We happen to have some contact via the theater department for the next couple of weeks, so I mentioned it to him on Tuesday.  He went on and found me yesterday, and sent me his number.  He mentioned to me yesterday that he'd found my profile, and told me that I was something of a mystery because apparently my behavior in the theater building doesn't match my profile.

So when I got home last night, I checked my POF email to see what was up, and we both ended up being online.  We IMed, then we texted, and things seemed to be going ok.  He's interesting, and apparently I was interesting to him.  Seemed like a good sign.

He mentioned several times that he prefers truth and is open about things, but that he's shy and he doesn't get subtlety, so after some more texting this morning I mentioned that I'm fed up with calling the shots in relationships of any kind and that, if things were going to move past us being texting buddies, he'd have to make the effort first.  I also said that I was looking for a relationship and not a quick hookup.  And apparently that freaked him out.  I guess I don't get it:   I suppose being open about things is his specialty, not something he likes from others.

Or maybe he's just being like nearly every other guy I've met.  See, men seem to have this problem.  They say they want certain things in a woman - intelligence, independence, honesty - or that they don't like certain things - head games, promiscuity, Jessica-Simpson-esque conversation skills - and yet, when a woman like they've claimed to want shows up, rejection ensues.

This isn't just something that happens to me.  I know plenty of amazing, confident, intelligent, beautiful women who are single because men seem to be falling all over themselves to date the women who exhibit the media's idea of perfection and who are exactly what they claim to be trying NOT to find.  I don't understand this.

My silly little example is but one among many.  And who knows, maybe he's just waiting until he sees me tonight to hash it out.  But I doubt it.  I think that men would prefer that women go back to being 50s house wives, a la Stepford Wives.  It makes me sick.  No wonder I'm tired of dating.

For my male readers: your apparent ideal

Fresh Look, Fresh Writing

What is it about blogging that is so inherently difficult for me to get a handle on?  I never really take the time to do it, which might be part of the problem, but I think there's something interesting to be said about the fact that I have more draft posts than published ones hanging out on my dashboard.  It's like a written identity crisis.  In order to identify why I can't seem to keep up on posting to save my life, I've complied a list of reasons that I think I have a hard time blogging.

1.  I find most bloggers obnoxious at best.
There is nothing more annoying to me than people who post thinking that other people care about their mindless crappy drivel that they think passes as "real blogging."  They aren't funny, they aren't posting anything of interest, and most of the time they can't even be bothered with proper punctuation or spelling.  For fear of being numbered among their masses, I keep not posting.

2.  Humor niche bloggers are often not as funny as they think they are.  Some are downright pretentious.
Case in point:  Allie from Hyperbole and a Half
Pretentious case in point:  the "pirate" named Maddox
I don't need to say anything else here.

3.  Mommy bloggers, food bloggers, fashion bloggers, etc. are boring.
I don't care about your kids or the "hilarious" things they do.  Unless you're creating your own recipes or writing actually helpful hints and not "lol, I made this, and I messed it up like this so next time I'll try this" garbage, your blog is lame and only your mother reads it.  Because she has to.  As for your "truly insightful" comments about the world of fashion... go die in a fire; no one will notice.

4.  Developing a voice is hard and I'm not all that inclined to do it.
I will say that the two examples are cited because their biggest flaw is that they're not really that funny; they have, however, developed their blogging voices to be really quite good in other ways.  I realize that part of blogging is about developing one's own voice, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to one specific way of writing, even for the extent of an entire post.  My writing style suffers from multiple personality disorder, and I'm not really sure that I want to force it to pick a single voice.

5.  Who actually reads this garbage anyway?
I can't say that I think there will be all that may people reading what I'm writing.  That being said, I don't see a reason to post regularly.  I suppose it's a good exercise in writing or whatever, but I'm not sure that "blog-style writing" will really be of any help as far as eventually getting published.

6.  I'm lazy.
There, I said it.  I don't like to finish posts because it takes more time than I feel like devoting to it.

So that's the list.  And you know what?  Screw it.  I'll probably fall into one of these categories more than once.  I'm ok with it.  Blogging is good for me.