My birthday was last Friday. The whole day was amazing. I treated myself to a facial in the morning, work went well, then my family came over and we had a little four person celebration, and then we went o dinner along with a bunch of my friends. Ariel and Andrew came up from Salt Lake; Meagan, Abby, Luke, Jared, Alex, DJ, and Gerrit were all there and looked really, really good; Jim stayed in Pocatello a few extra days to be there and he and Kyle sat together; Whitney came a little late because she was at a family function, but she was still there in plenty of time; and Amelia was there looking fabulous as always. Everyone seemed to get along really well. Dinner was excellent, and our waiters were really nice; one even did the group photo for us. We ate in the loft of The Bridge, and it was just our little group upstairs. I bought my own cake and my own flowers (two dozen white roses), and I looked amazing; I felt so powerful and ready to take on the world! I couldn't have asked for a better day, except maybe if Jared and Jess had been able to come over and Jesse wouldn't have had to work. It was fantastic.
For my birthday, I gave myself an amazing gift: the right to stop trying so hard. I've been actively doing my part in dating and working so hard at it - I do a lot of asking, I try to meet people, I do my best to be friendly - and after failing to go on a second date since Nik and I were together, and after nine years of rejections and false starts and painful, broken-hearted nights of crying, I'm done. I don't want to try anymore, and the hope in me is broken. So, I gave myself permission to stop pursuing and trying. It's relieving.
While I find it liberating, I did have a couple of loose ends on my birthday to tie up. One person I was holding out for has finally done the thing that makes me realize there is nothing worth waiting around for. We're still good friends, still "entangled" (I'm hoping, anyway) as it were, but it's clear now that he hasn't only got eyes for me and that's ok. I'm happy for him. The other person I was hoping that something would happen with I confronted about two weeks ago about his situation. I'm worried about him because I think he's become complacent in his life and, as his friend, I'm worried that he's letting opportunities he once wanted to participate in pass him by simply because he's content to not change. Since that conversation, he's been distancing himself from me more and more, and last night I finally realized that, while all practical reasoning says we are fairly perfect for eachother, he isn't in a place to do anything about it and even if he were he likely wouldn't. It's complicated and crappy, but I'm done with it.
So here I am: 25, single, and finally free to do things and make choices and enjoy activities just for me. It's hard, and kind of crappy sometimes (like tonight, when all I want is someone to cuddle up with who will hold me and let me cry and feel sorry for myself). I never would have wished it on myself. I feel a little bit like God let me down and made me promises he hasn't kept, which hurts. BUT I also feel a little free. My life isn't where I would have wished it, but it's not necessarily in a bad place either. I have new dreams that have replaced the ones I used to have. Not better, just different. I've learned a lot, and I only have one major regret from it all. Not bad for a quarter of a century, if I do say so myself.
