Going Veggie

Alright guys, so here it is: I'm going vegetarian (or possibly flexiterian).  There are a lot of reasons why and a lot of conversations and moments and thoughts that have influenced the decision, but there are essentially two main things going on.

First,I'm doing it for health reasons.  While I realize it's not unhealthy to eat meat (never mind what all the crazies say), I personally feel better when my diet consists of primarily plant-based food sources.  Additionally, I'm becoming more and more aware of the dangers of eating processed foods, primarily because of the added sugars that go into all kinds of foods (according to National Geographic's August 2013 issue, about 1.77 tsp of sugar per 3 tbsp of ketchup, for instance), and I'd like to cut as much of that as possible out of my diet.

Second, I'm doing it for sustainability reasons.  Meat-based diets require more land, water, and fossil fuel resources than lacto-ovo-vegetarian diets, and it's something that I find I can't do anymore.  I've been striving to be more "green" in my everyday life already (from turning off lights to putting a water bottle in the toilet tank to seeking out local sources for milk, eggs, and cheese), and cutting out meat consumption is just another logical step in that process.  It might be a small impact, but so are most of the things I've done.  Consider it a starfish thing.

So here's the deal, friends.  My goal is to be meatless by August 25 (the day before school starts) and, like any long-term friend, I feel like I need to make a few good memories with meat before we go our separate ways.  Which means, naturally, getting all my favorite meat-based meals one last time.  If you're interested, I'd love some company.  Just let me know which restaurant seems appealing (by blog comment, fb message, text, etc.) and we'll go!

• Red Lobster - because lobster, duh
• Texas Roadhouse - goodbye steak
• The Portneuf Brewery - Canadian Dreaming pizza, I will miss you
• Pizza Hut - one last Meat Lovers
• Goody's - Western pizza bombs, you will be missed
• 5 Guys - because burgers, duh
• Jimmy John's - the Italian Nightlife is where it's at
• Sumisu's or Blue Hashi - unagi, you have been good to me
• your place, if you have a grill - because I make better pork chops than a restaurant

I'll cross these off the list as people volunteer to by my dining companion or as I go by myself.  You don't have to eat what I'm having (obviously), and you don't have to agree with my choice, but I'd love the support!

New Year's Goal

So, it's the new year, and I guess I'm supposed to write a blog about the "New Year's Resolutions" that I've set for myself.  That's what all good bloggers do, right?  (Not that I'm a "good" blogger... I don't even know what that means...)

But to be honest, the whole notion of setting a bunch of personal goals just because I have to buy a new calendar has always seemed strange to me, not to mention non-productive.  My sister and I talked about it once, and both she and I prefer to set goals based around something more realistic, like new job, or new semester, or whatever.  Not to mention that the kinds of things people set their goals about (here's a list of the Top 10 Resolutions for reference) don't really apply to me.  I enjoy my life.  I don't smoke.  I'm never going to join a gym just because it's January and I certainly have a personal thing about dieting.

However, I do have a goal this year.  Not necessarily because it's a new year or even because of the new semester.  It's something that's been building for a while, and something that I feel pretty good about.

To be honest though, in some ways I feel like I'm going about it the wrong way.  Not my goal, but setting my goal.  I'm a big fan of setting "SMART goals" because I think they're a great thing: they're clear, they're organized, and they work.  (SMART goals are goals that are "set" within a framework: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Resource-using, Time-bound).  HOWEVER, this particular goal doesn't really fit into that framework, because it isn't specific or measurable or time-bound.  It just IS.

My goal is to take care of my body.  Of course, there are a few things that go into that, but because of the mindset behind what I'm doing none of them are specific or measurable.  I'm not looking to lose a certain amount of weight.  I don't have a specific fitness goal like running a mile under a certain amount of time.  I definitely don't have a goal about wearing a certain pants size.  I just want to feel like I'm taking care of my body.  Like I said, not exactly SMART Goal material.

While it might be difficult to set anything specific with this goal, there are a few components that I can put into list form:

• Regular medical check-ups (both illness- and wellness-based)
• Getting more movement into my day
• Listening to my body (instead of my taste buds) about what food my body is craving
• More fruits, veggies, and whole grains
• Avoiding processed foods
• Enough restful sleep
• Vitamins
• Regular skin maintenance (facials, pedicures, SPF, etc.; skin is the largest organ of the body)
• LOTS of water
• Attention to mental health, especially stress
• Cosmetic care (hair cut/color, make up, clothing, etc.)
• More exposure to natural sunlight

It's not a complete list, obviously, but it hits a bunch of key components.  I really am focusing on whole-body wellness (physical and mental), and I really do care about my body because of all the things it does for me and gives to me.  I'm grateful for my body, and it's time I started treating it like the beautiful thing it is.  So that's my goal for this year: take care of my body.  It's the only one I'm going to get.  And I'm falling in love with it one day, one green bean, one nap, one walk, one strawberry at a time.

Why I'm Against Public Breastfeeding... Kind Of...

A friend of mine just posted a link to this article about a picture of breastfeeding mothers.  Two of the mothers are in their military uniforms (see below).

(Photo Credit: Brynja Sigurdardottir)

My friend's comment on the article was "Very interesting. It amazes me that feeding babies is such a social taboo... I hate to be obvious, but that's what breasts are FOR."

As a third wave feminist (Wikipedia basics), I've got a lot to say on the topic of breastfeeding in public.  Apart from the biological pros (some decently skewed articles here and here), there are a bunch of social issues to consider.

Admittedly, my first response to my friend's comment was "by that same logic, I ought to be able to have sex, urinate, or defecate in public because that's what those body parts are FOR."  Not one of my most enlightened thoughts.  However, it touches on one of the main issues (in my mind) about breast feeding: why do many people find it so disturbing?

One of the easiest (and culturally-influenced) explanations is that breastfeeding might have something to do with modesty.  After all, whipping boobs out in public is generally considered immodest (to put it mildly), and in our Puritanical society "good, honest, sweet women just don't do that."  (For my LDS friends, the general definition of modest living, not the screwed up version that obsesses about the length of shorts, naked shoulders, and "sexy" babies, is what I'm talking about - helpful articles that give some context here and here.)  Since the right kind of women don't do that, then a woman who does must be the wrong kind of woman, right?  So any time a woman shows off even part of her breast, she must be a tramp.  Ok, fine, we've defined modesty.

Except that breasts don't always serve a sexual purpose.  To an infant, breasts are just as innocuous as a fork or a cup.  Unfortunately, our poor, brainwashed social selves are often unable to see past the social definitions we've grown up with, and we fail to see it from the infant's perspective.  So, for better or worse, the general consensus in American culture is that breastfeeding is complicated, but still kind of dirty, and since it mixes sex and motherhood, it makes us feel weird.  Especially when the mother is a "good, honest, sweet woman" by all other counts.  Perhaps women who are still breastfeeding ought to take that into consideration and stop being so incensed by the reactions they get from doing so in public venues; parading your alternative lifesyle choices in front of people who prefer that everyone follow social norms has its consequences.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being more open-minded about breast feeding and not forcing babies to effectively eat their meals in public bathrooms.  In fact, in relatively private settings or appropriate settings (your home, homes of close friends or families, nursing lounges, nurseries, etc.), I'm all for doing whatever it is that works for your situation.  By all means, don't even bother covering up with a blanket if that's what floats your boat.  When it's appropriate.

BUT that doesn't mean you should be doing it where ever and whenever you want.  When you choose to have a child (not "choose to get pregnant" because even birth control + condoms can fail; I'm talking about choose to keep your baby, to adopt, to foster, to date/marry someone with kids, etc.) you understand that you're making certain sacrifices in the way you live your life.  One of those sacrifices for a while is that you have to be aware of your baby's feeding schedule and then adjust your personal life accordingly.

I think it's a double standard to be upset with one mother because she chooses to go out and leave her child frequently with a sitter but not chastise another for bringing her child to inappropriate venues.  Fact of that matter is that both women are acting selfishly.  I refuse to applaud a mother for bringing her small child to a nice restaurant (or other non-child-friendly locale).  I don't think she's crusading against social norms and refusing to be confined to a set definition of femininity and motherhood;  I think she's selfishly potentially ruining the expensive dinners of nearby diners.  Not just by breastfeeding, but because of all of the realities of babies - smelly diapers, crying, using walking space for highchairs, obnoxious baby talk...  It's not like the child is getting anything out of dinner.  More often, it's because the mother has something to prove.

Which brings me to the image from the original article.  Fact of the matter is that the women photographed breastfeeding in uniform know what the standards ought to be while wearing said uniform.  So while practicality might call for them to pump in the locker room in uniform while on active duty away from the public eye, arranging to be photographed participating in something that is clearly a physical sign of affection violates the spirit of the rules they agree to adhere to.  They're making a statement, and inappropriately using their uniforms to do so.

The photographer is quoted in the article saying "These women just happen to be in the Air Force, in their uniform, breastfeeding their babies" as though she innocently had no idea what was going on.  But the old adage is true: a picture is worth a thousand words.  Regardless of the personal opinions of anyone involved about breastfeeding and uniforms and whatever else their campaign is trying to encourage, fact of the matter is that they're selfishly making a statement that has nothing to do with their babies and everything to do with the women involved.

Being a mom isn't "convenient" for anyone.  Being a parent is about making sacrifices.  Sometimes that means putting off your social life for a little while, or altering it to a more socially acceptable location or activity.  Is proving a point really worth putting your baby in the center of a storm of negative reactions?  If so, you maybe ought to rethink your priorities.

Life as a Single Girl

Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook an article that asked a very interesting question:

Why are Americans still so obsessed with single people—and so scared by them?

This question seems incredibly appropriate to my current life.  In some ways, I can answer this question in relation my culture.  LDS single adults are bombarded with messages, both doctrine and personal opinion, about the importance of "eternal marriage," "eternal companions," and the like.  And though I respect their right to their own world view, the underlying urgency to get married to someone, sometimes anyone, who can at least keep up appearances at church and around extended family of being an eternally happy family can be overwhelming.  Not to mention that the older you get, the slimmer the pickings get.  And since there is also the sense of "divorced = used/damaged goods" and "you want someone who doesn't have a nasty past" and "returned missionaries are the only men worth marrying, regardless of why they didn't go or their commitment level while they were out" and "there's usually a reason you're not married by 25" and a dozen other misguided, judgmental, un-Christlike messages, being single becomes even more frowned upon.

Now, before I get a bunch of "I've never judged someone like that" or "I've never seen this in my ward" or I've never felt judged" comments, let me just say that while this may be true for >1% of the LDS singles population, it probably isn't true for you.  I respect your right to pretend to be indignant about a sweeping generalization about your religion, and even tolerate your (judgmental) assessment that my feelings stem from being bitter and having left the Church and therefore somehow twisting the beauty of the gospel and culture to fit my own perceptions (or some variation of that), but at the end of the day I honestly don't take your "righteous" defensive comments seriously because, as I said before, you are not part of the >1%, because they don't feel the need to comment like that.  End of story.

So anyway, back, to the point of this post.  So LDS singles are terrified of remaining so in small part because of the religious implications and in large part because of the cultural judgments associated with singlehood.  And since I was a practicing member up until sometime in January, it makes sense that I still have some leftover feelings along this line.  But that doesn't explain the American (or maybe human) drive to be in a relationship for non-religious reasons.  I mean, people do all kinds of crazy things to avoid being alone, from dating people who are toxic or abusive or simply wrong for them, to staying in relationships that are clearly dysfunctional or which impede progression of the individual, to settling for the illusion of being in a relationship by participating in one night stands, booty calls, "friends with benefits", affairs, and a host of other pseudo-commitments.  Why do we do these things to ourselves?

I think, in part, because the alternative is terrifying.  Not necessarily the idea of being alone (though that is terrifying for some people), but the idea of having to justify your decision to remain single and deal with the ridiculous comments from people who have no business being interested in your relationship status anyway.  When I announced on my birthday that I was going to stop actively looking for my other half, I had all kinds of people who, when they heard, found it necessary to tell me exactly what they thought of my decision.  And though some of those comments were kind, I wasn't looking for support in the decision I made.  I was merely announcing a change of behavior.  I can't imagine what it would be like to decide on and announce a permanent change in lifestyle.  I'd hate to have to defend my happiness simply because it wasn't necessarily a mainstream choice (although choosing to not be in a committed, monogamous, heterosexual relationship is becoming more and more mainstream than the outwardly conservative outspoken members of our culture would care to admit).

When I posted a link on Facebook to the article I read, a friend of mine made this comment: I spent most of my teens/early adulthood single and loved it. But loving it was exhausting -- I'd turn down offers to set me up, avoid guys who were interested, and constantly announce that I was VERY HAPPY ALONE, because I genuinely didn't want a boyfriend... and it was practically a full-time job convincing people that a) I was serious and b) I was straight.  This kind of situation is exactly what I'm talking about and what worries me the most about any kind of "radical" announcement.

But fears aside, here is a semi-announcement: I'm going to try out the single life.  Not the "waiting around for a boyfriend" life, or the "between relationships" life, but the truly single life.  I was telling someone that some of most dissatisfying times in my existence have been when I was pursuing a relationship that didn't pan out.  And rather than find myself in yet another situation like that, I'm going to focus on developing myself as a person.  I'm not going to be dishonest about things: if a relationship shows up on my front door I'm not going to turn it down.  However, I'm not going to do anything to encourage it.  AND, I'm going to blog it.  Because that's what I do (or pretend to do, anyway).

Slate article: Singled Out

10 People

I'm having a rough time in my head tonight.  Lots of confusion.  Lots of school-related reading.  Lots of heartbreak.  Lots of icky.  Most of it at a handful of specific people.  So, cowardly as it might seem to be, I'm doing a writing exercise taken from the days of myspace where I anonymously write messages to 10 people without posting their names or any specific details.  For my sake and/or for theirs.  If they read and guess who they are, that's ok.  I probably should say some of this to their faces anyway.  Hopefully it will help.

1. I think you're a great person.  I really do.  I wish you could see that about yourself.  I wish you would stop holding yourself to their standards, stop taking on their crap, and stop making your life harder than it needs to be.  I realize I sound like a hypocrite, but I'm saying it anyway because I love you.
I told you that I'm your friend because I know how much I messed up and therefore don't have hopes that you'll ever trust me enough.  You directed me to a picture of your favorite quote: "Forgiveness means not letting the past dictate the future."  I know from experience that to assume you meant anything more than to show me a personal life philosophy would be silly of me, even dangerous, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that what you meant is more nights like Monday.  

I love you.  I thought I loved you before, because I kept superimposing on you the emotions I had for someone you reminded me of, but once I stripped away all of that and took a look at raw YOU-ness, I realized I love who you are.  Your quirks and oddities.  The way you stop speaking to me when you're upset.  How much you want to explore me without giving very much of yourself in return (except that then sometimes you do, totally at random).  How insecure you are when think no one is looking.  The plant on your windowsill that seems so out of place.  That you never kick me out of your bed, and let me stay at your place after you've gone.  The thousand different ways you make me feel.
I love you.  I wish we wanted the same thing: to be together.  Not in any kind of "this is my boyfriend and we're monogamous" way, but in the way that I stay over most nights and sometime I do homework while you play Rockband or we read lines to each other or whatever and if I go to bed early you sneak in and try to not wake me up.  And some nights you wake me up at 2:30 because you can't stand to keep your hands to yourself anymore or I wake you up at who-knows-what-time because I'm not crying as quietly as I thought.  And if you have someone else you want to see that night or if I kiss someone else that's ok, because we are so comfortable in our own us-ness that things like that don't matter.  I'll always keep my own place, but I want a drawer at yours too.  And lets not brag it around to everyone because they don't all need to know.  Will you teach me to play guitar?

2.  I don't know what to say to you.  I love what we had, but I feel like I'm supposed to feel like it's time to change that.  We have to become adults sometimes, and while you might be ok with what's happening in your head, the fact that there are so many lies and sneaking about all the time means you also know that it's not really ok at all.  But I'm not the one who has anything to be honest about, so I don't really feel all that guilty.  And anyway, I love you.  I want to be the woman you marry when we're in our 40s and ready to settle down for reals this time.  It takes my breath away when I kiss you.  It always has.  Can you tell?

3.  I would if I could and if you would.  But you never will.  And I don't want to upset the very delicate balance of things.  I feel like Worf must have in the final season of TNG if you're Deanna and there are two Will Rikers (except slightly less hairy).  But if you ever wanted to, I have a holodeck program that has a sandy beach and a full moon and it absolutely romantic.  Just saying.

4.  I miss you.  Every day.  And then you didn't respond.  And now it's worse.  Why can't I come home?

5.  I wish you would stop talking to me.  I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel you'll go into another tailspin, and I DON'T want to be responsible for that, but you can't seriously believe that there's anything for you to try to befriend again after the shit you pulled the last time.  I don't want your drama that you bring upon yourself.  I don't want to deal with the demands of "being allowed" to be your friend.  I don't feel guilty for never wanting to see you again.  And I'd tell you all this if you were more emotionally stable.  In the meantime, I need for you to just stop, ok?  Find someone else to use; I'm not interested.

6.  I'd love to get to know you.  The distance thing puts a damper on it, and I get the feeling you're not an avid texter or else I'd keep things up that way.  You've got a decent shot, most likely, not least because someone I trust vouched for you in both an inebriated AND a sober state.  And besides, you have one of the awesomest hobbies ever (yes, I know that it should say "most awesome" but I'm ignoring the rules of grammar because of how awesome it is).

7.  I can't.  I thought I could, but I can't.  I won't change myself that much, and I won't go without what I need in hopes that you're going to eventually change.  You shouldn't change.  You should be you.  Someone will someday be introduced into your life with similar goals and relational needs.  But I am not that girl.  I am, in fact, a very different girl from that girl.  And it's not a matter of you not being a good guy, though you very well might not understand that when I tell you all of this.  I think you're an excellent guy, or we wouldn't have gotten this far.  I simply need different things than you can give me (not more, not better, just different), and I think you need different things that I can give you.  So before anyone gets more hurt than they're already going to, I think we should just call it quits.  It's better this way, I promise.

8.  Fuck.  You.  And not in a pleasant, orgasmic kind of way.  More in the "I hope you get hit by a bus and then burst into flames" kind of way.

9.  I hope you're doing alright.  I like my life better without you in it, but I still want good things for you.  I hope you end up getting what you wanted (except, of course, for the "being with Jocelyn" part).

10.  I wonder if you knew as a kid how much the things you said would impact me.  it's been 15 years, but I can still hear the things you said and I still look into the mirror sometimes with the same kinds of critical, mocking looks you used to give me in class and on the playground.  I wonder if you would be interested to know that, had I had better self esteem, I might have been accepted by the other kids, played harder, and not let the weight get out of hand.  I might not be this sick now.  I might have spent adolescence loving myself, not hiding in my weight, and it might not have become a friendly ally in my quest to hide my tears.  I might have been able to shed it early on, stayed on top of being healthy, and never felt like a diet would kill my only constant companion.

I wonder if you care as an adult, or if the loathing you developed in 3rd grade and carried through to graduation shields you from feeling guilty.  Did you think then that I deserved it?  Do you still?  Do you even remember why you started mocking me, why you were the ring-leader in destroying the inherent joy and trust of a little girl?  Why you took one of God's precious daughters and broke her spirit, made her feel ugly, left her jaded and destroyed even still?  How much of what you did then played a part in me clinging to a poisonous relationship even after it degenerated into nothing more than mental and sexual abuse?  

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming you for the way my life has gone so far.  I don't think it was only your playground taunts that have impacted my life.  In fact, I rarely think about you in all honesty.  But sometimes, when I least expect it, those ugly words come back and my inner child cringes, and it's all I can do to not look you up and demand an apology or at least an explanation.  But then I remind myself that you are (or anyway, you were) a Mormon boy and 10 is older than 8.  What that means for you, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is that you're going to be accountable for all of it some day.  Every action has a price.

There you have it.  I am anticipating a few texts now of "was I number X?" or "was number X person 1 or person 2?"  I'll answer honestly your very first guess, if you so choose to ask.  Because I'm a good sport like that.

Reflections On Turning 25

My birthday was last Friday.  The whole day was amazing.  I treated myself to a facial in the morning, work went well, then my family came over and we had a little four person celebration, and then we went o dinner along with a bunch of my friends.  Ariel and Andrew came up from Salt Lake; Meagan, Abby, Luke, Jared, Alex, DJ, and Gerrit were all there and looked really, really good; Jim stayed in Pocatello a few extra days to be there and he and Kyle sat together; Whitney came a little late because she was at a family function, but she was still there in plenty of time; and Amelia was there looking fabulous as always.  Everyone seemed to get along really well.  Dinner was excellent, and our waiters were really nice; one even did the group photo for us.  We ate in the loft of The Bridge, and it was just our little group upstairs.  I bought my own cake and my own flowers (two dozen white roses), and I looked amazing; I felt so powerful and ready to take on the world!  I couldn't have asked for a better day, except maybe if Jared and Jess had been able to come over and Jesse wouldn't have had to work.  It was fantastic.

For my birthday, I gave myself an amazing gift: the right to stop trying so hard.  I've been actively doing my part in dating and working so hard at it - I do a lot of asking, I try to meet people, I do my best to be friendly - and after failing to go on a second date since Nik and I were together, and after nine years of rejections and false starts and painful, broken-hearted nights of crying, I'm done.  I don't want to try anymore, and the hope in me is broken.  So, I gave myself permission to stop pursuing and trying.  It's relieving.

While I find it liberating, I did have a couple of loose ends on my birthday to tie up.  One person I was holding out for has finally done the thing that makes me realize there is nothing worth waiting around for.  We're still good friends, still "entangled" (I'm hoping, anyway) as it were, but it's clear now that he hasn't only got eyes for me and that's ok.  I'm happy for him.  The other person I was hoping that something would happen with I confronted about two weeks ago about his situation.  I'm worried about him because I think he's become complacent in his life and, as his friend, I'm worried that he's letting opportunities he once wanted to participate in pass him by simply because he's content to not change.  Since that conversation, he's been distancing himself from me more and more, and last night I finally realized that, while all practical reasoning says we are fairly perfect for eachother, he isn't in a place to do anything about it and even if he were he likely wouldn't.  It's complicated and crappy, but I'm done with it.

So here I am: 25, single, and finally free to do things and make choices and enjoy activities just for me.  It's hard, and kind of crappy sometimes (like tonight, when all I want is someone to cuddle up with who will hold me and let me cry and feel sorry for myself).  I never would have wished it on myself.  I feel a little bit like God let me down and made me promises he hasn't kept, which hurts.  BUT I also feel a little free.  My life isn't where I would have wished it, but it's not necessarily in a bad place either.  I have new dreams that have replaced the ones I used to have.  Not better, just different.  I've learned a lot, and I only have one major regret from it all.  Not bad for a quarter of a century, if I do say so myself.

New Life, New Blog Face

I decided to update the face of my blog because I feel like I'm headed on the right path towards a new life.  I've had a hard time blogging over the summer, partly because of time, but also because I wasn't quite sure which parts of what I was going through to share with everyone.  But now that the transition is basically over, hopefully I'll be more confident in sharing what's happening with my readers.

I've had a really hard time for several years as people have insisted that the best way to be is to be confident in who I am and be that person and to only display that single personality type.  I've found recently for myself, however, that this perspective is incredibly confining.  I can't think of anything more personally restrictive than choosing a single way of being and forcing myself to only exist in that one manner, regardless of any daily inclinations I might have to do something different.

While I realize that, for some, the idea of being only one personality is freeing - no need to remember who you are around which people or whatever.  For them, the idea of being different "people" might seem strange or even terrifying.  I can see how others might view my personal choice as downright schizophrenic.  I disagree with that assessment.  Someone who suffers from schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder does it because they cannot control it.  I can see how others might view my take on the matter as simply an unwillingness to commit to some ideal social standard of "what is normal."  Again, I disagree, but this time because of the pure and simple fact that being multifaceted with my personality is just that: a choice.

I've been afraid for so long to allow myself the option of being what is right for me.  I've spent a long time trying to be something definable, something that can be put into some kind of a classification.  But I've come to realize that, for me, doing so only denies my true nature and forces me to ignore several dimensions of my basic nature in order to display others.  I'm done with doing that.  It sucks.


The analogy to use is that of a diamond.  Uncut,  a diamond is certainly lovely and very strong.  It has several qualities of value, though its true potential has yet to be realized.  A cut diamond, on the other hand, shows quite a change.  The gem always retains its strength, but once the blemishes are removed and the edges cut and polished the diamond's true beauty is finally revealed.  It is only when the gem has facets cut into it that its true potential comes forth.  So it is with me.  In order for my true inner beauty, the potential I have within myself, to come alive and display itself for the world to see and appreciate, I can't confine myself to one or to basic, "acceptable" definitions.  I am deeper and wider and more faceted than that.  And it's only by letting myself be cut and polished that I am able to show not only my strength by also my beauty.  Only by choosing to be multifaceted am I able to show my complete worth.

Man, I suck at this blogging thing sometimes...

I haven't blogged in a while, and what do I chose to do?  Oh, that's right, I post one of these things that I used to do in junior high.  Sorry guys.

Taken from a friend on Facebook, lol.

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice? blue cheese

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? depends on what I'm in the mood for: Texas Roadhouse, Olive Garden, or IHOP

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? those huge chocolate muffins.  of course, at the end of two weeks, my butt will be HUGE.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice? olives, sausage, extra cheese

5. What do you like to put on your toast? butter, sometimes cinnamon and sugar

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house? 1

2. The color of your cell phone?  charcoal

3. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has? lots!

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? warts

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted? laundry basket.  I need to do laundry more often.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? not with a blow to the head or something, but I did get CO2 poisoning once, and that made me pass out

************BULLPOOPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name, so I would never change it!  but if I HAD to change it, I'd pick something classic, like Katherine  or Mary or Elizabeth.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? how big is the bottle?

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1 that I regularly wear

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops? a month ago I got pulled over for a missing tail light

3. Last person you talked to? my dad called this morning

4. Last person you hugged? Jim 

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season? summer

2. Holiday? Halloween

3. Day of the week? Friday

4. Month? May?

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone? yes

2. Mood? tired, stressed

3. What are you listening to? it's a Saturday morning, so cartoons of course!

4. Watching? see above

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning? my basement

2. What's the last movie you saw?  I Am Number Four

3. Do you smile often? some days

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone? far from it.  I screen calls.

2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message? this is not a question.  I don't know how to answer it.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be? I love my hazel eyes.  but I'd want them either really intensely gray, or deep green.

4. Do you own a digital camera? yes.  and I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures on it.

5. Have you ever had a pet fish? have one right now, actually.

6. Favorite Christmas song(s)? "Present Face" by Garfunkel and Oats

7. What's on your wish list for your birthday? kitchenaid (I won't get it)

9. Can you do a chin up? not a chance

10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? terrified

11. Do you have any saved texts? not anymore

12. Ever been in a car wreck? several

13. Do you have an accent? kind of.  I slur my words now a lot more than I did before England.

14. What is the last song that made you cry? I honestly don't remember

15. Plans tonight? LAVA!!!

16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yeah.  spent a good deal of time there, actually

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday? yogurt pretzels, licorice, and chocolate muffins

18. Have you ever been given roses? yes

19. Current worry? having to face adult responsibilities (like taking care of my parents) with no one to share that burden with.

20. I'll make another one up xD-favorite smiley? just the standard :)

21. Met someone who changed your life? everyone you meet can change your life, and most do

22. How will you bring in the New Year? that's a really good question, actually

23. What song represents you? "I'm a Little Teapot"?

24. Name three people who might complete this?  I don't even think people read my blog.  so possibly no one.  and, if so, I'd never really know about it.

25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes.  and I'd do my best to change it.

27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings? ears

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? maybe?

29. Does anyone love you? yep!

30. Ever had someone sing to you? most recently last Sunday

31. When did you last cry? a few days ago

32. Do you like to cuddle? YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES

33. Have you held hands with anyone today? I haven't seen anyone yet

34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? country

35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new

36. Do you like pulpy orange juice? on very rare occasions, but usually not

37. Do you believe angels walk among us? sure

Today, on Facebook, a friend of mine posted this in his "notes" section, and so I figured it would be nice to repost here.

WHO you are matters less now than ever before. Pedigrees no longer matter. You can go from nobody to famous, or rich, or happy, or successful without anyone else’s permission.
WHAT you are matters less now than ever before. Movie stars and wine experts, academics and ultimate wrestlers are all on the same playing field.
WHERE you are matters less now than ever before. You can be sharing photos from your basement apartment in Brooklyn, building a semi-conductor in your garage in Palo Alto, or leading a revolution in the streets of Egypt.
HOW you do what you do, matters less now than ever before. Doesn’t matter if you shoot it on a Panavision 35 or a HdSLR. It only matters that you did it.
What DOES matter is….
WHEN. If you don’t do it now, you might miss this amazing window.
and…
WHY. Why you do what you do always matters. Don’t even think of asking me to explain it.

My new goal is to be more aware of the opportunities that are right in front of me.

And, just like that, I did something brave today.

Remembering That I've Grown Up Can Be Hard

I've been bad lately.  Not to other people, but to myself.  That dirtbag from last post?  I may or may not have fallen for him just a tiny bit.  And it's making me pathetic.  It's times like these that I wish I owned the movie He's Just Not That Into You because Alex, played by one

Justin Long, being hott

of the hottest sexy skinny nerdy men of all time, dispenses some fantastic advice.  Advice I wish I could remember all the time, but can't ever seem to. Advice like "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." and "If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you." and "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."  Why do I keep forgetting this advice and trying so hard?  Why can't I seem to walk away from guys whose inattention leaves me feeling desperate and inadequate?  I'm better than this.

There's a lot of truth to the realizations Gigi comes to in the movie about being the "rule" rather than the "exception" in bad dating stories, but I don't think that's my problem.  I think my problem is that once, a long time ago, I convinced myself that I should never give up hope in dating and relationships, and that I never wanted to be the one guilty of giving up first or not trying hard enough.  And now, I'm paying for it.

Sort of.  I mean, in a cost/benefit analysis situation, I'm not really paying that much for it, assuming it eventually pays off.  I don't love putting myself out there and getting rejected, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be guilty of making too much of an effort than of not making any effort at all.  Gigi has something really great to say about all of this, so I'm going to let her take it away:

I would rather be like that, then be like you.  ...  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

How great is that?  And how true.  Some people think that in order to feel "truly alive" they have to go skydiving or something equally as crazy (or more so).  But not me.  I think living life to the fullest is about experiencing a full range of emotions, and doing so passionately.

Which means loving and hoping and giving passionately.  And hurting and crying passionately sometimes too.  And I'm ok with that.

What I'm not ok with is forgetting to treat myself well by dating (or pursuing) guys who make me feel expendable.  I need to work on that.

Fresh Look, Fresh Writing

What is it about blogging that is so inherently difficult for me to get a handle on?  I never really take the time to do it, which might be part of the problem, but I think there's something interesting to be said about the fact that I have more draft posts than published ones hanging out on my dashboard.  It's like a written identity crisis.  In order to identify why I can't seem to keep up on posting to save my life, I've complied a list of reasons that I think I have a hard time blogging.

1.  I find most bloggers obnoxious at best.
There is nothing more annoying to me than people who post thinking that other people care about their mindless crappy drivel that they think passes as "real blogging."  They aren't funny, they aren't posting anything of interest, and most of the time they can't even be bothered with proper punctuation or spelling.  For fear of being numbered among their masses, I keep not posting.

2.  Humor niche bloggers are often not as funny as they think they are.  Some are downright pretentious.
Case in point:  Allie from Hyperbole and a Half
Pretentious case in point:  the "pirate" named Maddox
I don't need to say anything else here.

3.  Mommy bloggers, food bloggers, fashion bloggers, etc. are boring.
I don't care about your kids or the "hilarious" things they do.  Unless you're creating your own recipes or writing actually helpful hints and not "lol, I made this, and I messed it up like this so next time I'll try this" garbage, your blog is lame and only your mother reads it.  Because she has to.  As for your "truly insightful" comments about the world of fashion... go die in a fire; no one will notice.

4.  Developing a voice is hard and I'm not all that inclined to do it.
I will say that the two examples are cited because their biggest flaw is that they're not really that funny; they have, however, developed their blogging voices to be really quite good in other ways.  I realize that part of blogging is about developing one's own voice, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to one specific way of writing, even for the extent of an entire post.  My writing style suffers from multiple personality disorder, and I'm not really sure that I want to force it to pick a single voice.

5.  Who actually reads this garbage anyway?
I can't say that I think there will be all that may people reading what I'm writing.  That being said, I don't see a reason to post regularly.  I suppose it's a good exercise in writing or whatever, but I'm not sure that "blog-style writing" will really be of any help as far as eventually getting published.

6.  I'm lazy.
There, I said it.  I don't like to finish posts because it takes more time than I feel like devoting to it.

So that's the list.  And you know what?  Screw it.  I'll probably fall into one of these categories more than once.  I'm ok with it.  Blogging is good for me.