Today, on Facebook, a friend of mine posted this in his "notes" section, and so I figured it would be nice to repost here.

WHO you are matters less now than ever before. Pedigrees no longer matter. You can go from nobody to famous, or rich, or happy, or successful without anyone else’s permission.
WHAT you are matters less now than ever before. Movie stars and wine experts, academics and ultimate wrestlers are all on the same playing field.
WHERE you are matters less now than ever before. You can be sharing photos from your basement apartment in Brooklyn, building a semi-conductor in your garage in Palo Alto, or leading a revolution in the streets of Egypt.
HOW you do what you do, matters less now than ever before. Doesn’t matter if you shoot it on a Panavision 35 or a HdSLR. It only matters that you did it.
What DOES matter is….
WHEN. If you don’t do it now, you might miss this amazing window.
and…
WHY. Why you do what you do always matters. Don’t even think of asking me to explain it.

My new goal is to be more aware of the opportunities that are right in front of me.

And, just like that, I did something brave today.

Remembering That I've Grown Up Can Be Hard

I've been bad lately.  Not to other people, but to myself.  That dirtbag from last post?  I may or may not have fallen for him just a tiny bit.  And it's making me pathetic.  It's times like these that I wish I owned the movie He's Just Not That Into You because Alex, played by one

Justin Long, being hott

of the hottest sexy skinny nerdy men of all time, dispenses some fantastic advice.  Advice I wish I could remember all the time, but can't ever seem to. Advice like "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." and "If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you." and "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."  Why do I keep forgetting this advice and trying so hard?  Why can't I seem to walk away from guys whose inattention leaves me feeling desperate and inadequate?  I'm better than this.

There's a lot of truth to the realizations Gigi comes to in the movie about being the "rule" rather than the "exception" in bad dating stories, but I don't think that's my problem.  I think my problem is that once, a long time ago, I convinced myself that I should never give up hope in dating and relationships, and that I never wanted to be the one guilty of giving up first or not trying hard enough.  And now, I'm paying for it.

Sort of.  I mean, in a cost/benefit analysis situation, I'm not really paying that much for it, assuming it eventually pays off.  I don't love putting myself out there and getting rejected, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be guilty of making too much of an effort than of not making any effort at all.  Gigi has something really great to say about all of this, so I'm going to let her take it away:

I would rather be like that, then be like you.  ...  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

How great is that?  And how true.  Some people think that in order to feel "truly alive" they have to go skydiving or something equally as crazy (or more so).  But not me.  I think living life to the fullest is about experiencing a full range of emotions, and doing so passionately.

Which means loving and hoping and giving passionately.  And hurting and crying passionately sometimes too.  And I'm ok with that.

What I'm not ok with is forgetting to treat myself well by dating (or pursuing) guys who make me feel expendable.  I need to work on that.

Surprisingly, I'm not surprised

Generally, I don't love blogs that whine for the sake of whining.  My policy tends to be somewhere between "If you don't like what's happening, change what's happening" and "The secret to having it all is believing that you do."  In other words, figure out how to fix your problems or quit whining about having them.

And yet today I find that the same complaint I've had for probably about a decade is still true.  Somewhere in my 15-year-old brain, I kept hoping that things would change when I, and those around me, became adults.  Turns out, the same problems that I had in high school are just as true today as they where nine years ago.

To explain what's happening, I should probably start about six months ago.  Last semester, there was a guy in my Stagecrafting class.  Seemed like a nice enough guy, and I tried talking to him a couple of times, but he basically seemed to blow me off.  Not a big deal.  He seemed at the time to be a little more mature than the freshman in the class, which is good seeing as he's three or so years older than I am, so I just chocked it up to the general "I'm more mature than everyone here and most of them are beneath me" attitude that many students get when they're older than nearly all of their peers.  I'm guilty of the same attitude on occasion.  Whatever.

Flash forward to Monday.  After a few times of people goading me to register at PlentyOfFish.com, I decided to finally give in.  After all, one never knows where he or she will find the opportunity that leads them to their next relationship.  So, swallowing my pride and realizing that I was a hypocrite to do so after all that I've said about online dating, I filled out a profile and uploaded a picture.  Huzzah?

Amusingly, this same guy was one of my top matches after I'd registered.  We happen to have some contact via the theater department for the next couple of weeks, so I mentioned it to him on Tuesday.  He went on and found me yesterday, and sent me his number.  He mentioned to me yesterday that he'd found my profile, and told me that I was something of a mystery because apparently my behavior in the theater building doesn't match my profile.

So when I got home last night, I checked my POF email to see what was up, and we both ended up being online.  We IMed, then we texted, and things seemed to be going ok.  He's interesting, and apparently I was interesting to him.  Seemed like a good sign.

He mentioned several times that he prefers truth and is open about things, but that he's shy and he doesn't get subtlety, so after some more texting this morning I mentioned that I'm fed up with calling the shots in relationships of any kind and that, if things were going to move past us being texting buddies, he'd have to make the effort first.  I also said that I was looking for a relationship and not a quick hookup.  And apparently that freaked him out.  I guess I don't get it:   I suppose being open about things is his specialty, not something he likes from others.

Or maybe he's just being like nearly every other guy I've met.  See, men seem to have this problem.  They say they want certain things in a woman - intelligence, independence, honesty - or that they don't like certain things - head games, promiscuity, Jessica-Simpson-esque conversation skills - and yet, when a woman like they've claimed to want shows up, rejection ensues.

This isn't just something that happens to me.  I know plenty of amazing, confident, intelligent, beautiful women who are single because men seem to be falling all over themselves to date the women who exhibit the media's idea of perfection and who are exactly what they claim to be trying NOT to find.  I don't understand this.

My silly little example is but one among many.  And who knows, maybe he's just waiting until he sees me tonight to hash it out.  But I doubt it.  I think that men would prefer that women go back to being 50s house wives, a la Stepford Wives.  It makes me sick.  No wonder I'm tired of dating.

For my male readers: your apparent ideal

DIY - Doing It Yourself

I've been doing a bunch of decorating lately.  It started off as hanging up a couple of pictures after my roommate left.  She'd been the only one of us with things hanging on the walls, and so things looked pretty bare after she'd moved.  Once that had happened, I got brave and asked our landlord if I could paint a couple of walls and spruce things up a bit.  She brought me some paint and some brushes, and off I went.

Hurrah for red paint!!!

I wish I would have taken better "before" pictures, because without them there is no context for how much better the wall looks now that it's painted.  I have one more wall to go, and I'll remember to do pictures of it.

I drew the white line in MSPaint after I took the picture.
The line and everything to the left of it used to look like
the picture below.  The wall was really awkward and ugly...

This is the best picture I can get of the paint.  Basically it
was white with gray sponged on over top.  The sponging
job was really poorly done, and it just made the walls look
like they were always dirty.  The red paint looks much nicer.

Once the wall looked pretty, I couldn't help but hang some more pictures in the apartment.  The wall at the back of the living/dining room has been affectionately dubbed my "Jesus Wall" because the pictures and other framed pieces are all religious in nature.  (The art is in more detail below.  The CTR is something I made with vinyl letters and scrapbook paper; the two blank-looking frames hold copies of The Living Christ (pretty version) and The Family Proclamation (pretty version); the Faith image says "Faith is the essence of all things" and I've added white cardstock behind it so the red would show up.)

The "Jesus Wall"

"Rebekah an the Well" - Michael Deas

Pres. Uchtdorf quote (click to expand)

"To Be With God" - Simon Dewey

"Beside Still Waters" - Simon Dewey

This little apartment I'm living in is starting to feel like home.  :)