Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook an article that asked a very interesting question:
Why are Americans still so obsessed with single people—and so scared by them?
This question seems incredibly appropriate to my current life. In some ways, I can answer this question in relation my culture. LDS single adults are bombarded with messages, both doctrine and personal opinion, about the importance of "eternal marriage," "eternal companions," and the like. And though I respect their right to their own world view, the underlying urgency to get married to someone, sometimes anyone, who can at least keep up appearances at church and around extended family of being an eternally happy family can be overwhelming. Not to mention that the older you get, the slimmer the pickings get. And since there is also the sense of "divorced = used/damaged goods" and "you want someone who doesn't have a nasty past" and "returned missionaries are the only men worth marrying, regardless of why they didn't go or their commitment level while they were out" and "there's usually a reason you're not married by 25" and a dozen other misguided, judgmental, un-Christlike messages, being single becomes even more frowned upon.
Now, before I get a bunch of "I've never judged someone like that" or "I've never seen this in my ward" or I've never felt judged" comments, let me just say that while this may be true for >1% of the LDS singles population, it probably isn't true for you. I respect your right to pretend to be indignant about a sweeping generalization about your religion, and even tolerate your (judgmental) assessment that my feelings stem from being bitter and having left the Church and therefore somehow twisting the beauty of the gospel and culture to fit my own perceptions (or some variation of that), but at the end of the day I honestly don't take your "righteous" defensive comments seriously because, as I said before, you are not part of the >1%, because they don't feel the need to comment like that. End of story.
So anyway, back, to the point of this post. So LDS singles are terrified of remaining so in small part because of the religious implications and in large part because of the cultural judgments associated with singlehood. And since I was a practicing member up until sometime in January, it makes sense that I still have some leftover feelings along this line. But that doesn't explain the American (or maybe human) drive to be in a relationship for non-religious reasons. I mean, people do all kinds of crazy things to avoid being alone, from dating people who are toxic or abusive or simply wrong for them, to staying in relationships that are clearly dysfunctional or which impede progression of the individual, to settling for the illusion of being in a relationship by participating in one night stands, booty calls, "friends with benefits", affairs, and a host of other pseudo-commitments. Why do we do these things to ourselves?
I think, in part, because the alternative is terrifying. Not necessarily the idea of being alone (though that is terrifying for some people), but the idea of having to justify your decision to remain single and deal with the ridiculous comments from people who have no business being interested in your relationship status anyway. When I announced on my birthday that I was going to stop actively looking for my other half, I had all kinds of people who, when they heard, found it necessary to tell me exactly what they thought of my decision. And though some of those comments were kind, I wasn't looking for support in the decision I made. I was merely announcing a change of behavior. I can't imagine what it would be like to decide on and announce a permanent change in lifestyle. I'd hate to have to defend my happiness simply because it wasn't necessarily a mainstream choice (although choosing to not be in a committed, monogamous, heterosexual relationship is becoming more and more mainstream than the outwardly conservative outspoken members of our culture would care to admit).
When I posted a link on Facebook to the article I read, a friend of mine made this comment: I spent most of my teens/early adulthood single and loved it. But loving it was exhausting -- I'd turn down offers to set me up, avoid guys who were interested, and constantly announce that I was VERY HAPPY ALONE, because I genuinely didn't want a boyfriend... and it was practically a full-time job convincing people that a) I was serious and b) I was straight. This kind of situation is exactly what I'm talking about and what worries me the most about any kind of "radical" announcement.
But fears aside, here is a semi-announcement: I'm going to try out the single life. Not the "waiting around for a boyfriend" life, or the "between relationships" life, but the truly single life. I was telling someone that some of most dissatisfying times in my existence have been when I was pursuing a relationship that didn't pan out. And rather than find myself in yet another situation like that, I'm going to focus on developing myself as a person. I'm not going to be dishonest about things: if a relationship shows up on my front door I'm not going to turn it down. However, I'm not going to do anything to encourage it. AND, I'm going to blog it. Because that's what I do (or pretend to do, anyway).
Slate article: Singled Out
