Things You Should Never, Ever Do

***This post is meant to be both silly and serious.  I will probably offend several of you.  I'm in the kind of mood where I don't really care if you choose to be offended, take things out of context, etc.  You're probably an adult (legally, if not emotionally), so act like it, mmkay?***

1.  Do not feel good about yourself just because you're buying organic food.
Let me say right off the bat that some organic food is awesome.  I swear that the organic tomatoes at Fred Meyer are the best in Pocatello.  I think farm-raised chicken eggs taste better and I'll buy them (or steal them from my parents' fridge) whenever I can.  I swear my allergies have gotten better since I started eating raw honey from a local bee farm.  It's an accepted "fact" that most stuff grown in your own garden and eaten as soon as you've picked it is healthier than buying it at the grocery store fresh, and definitely better than frozen or canned (though in some cases it's apparently better to cook certain veggies... admittedly I haven't done any kind of cursory research there).

HOWEVER.  Just because it says "organic" on the label doesn't mean you should trust it.  Same goes for "made with real juice" (check the content list on the back), "green" products, and a host of other claims.  From what I understand, the FDA's requirements on companies being able to use those kinds of claims are pretty lax or convoluted, so unless you know where your food is coming from (like, seen the farm, garden, orchard, etc.) and feel like you can trust the farmer/rancher selling you the stuff, don't pat yourself on the back for feeding you or your family better just because your carrots are uglier.

HOWEVER.  Ways you can pat yourself on the back?  Making your food from raw ingredients when you can afford to.  Skipping frozen dinners, sweet snacks, high fructose corn syrup in all it's forms, and fast food.  Balancing your food intake so that you're getting a nice variety of foods (the USDA's Food Pyramid might not be 100% perfect according to the most recent study you've read, but it's a lot healthier than an All Carbs All the Time diet).  Controlling portion sizes and caloric intake.  Those are going to make a bigger impact on your health than buying something labeled "organic."


2.  Do not open this inside your house.

Yes, that's a picture of 9,000 lady buys in a jar.  Good for your garden.  Bad for your house.


3.  Do not get stupid tattoos.
So I get that it's your body and you can do what you want with it.  And I get that this includes getting dumb tattoos.  BUT, stupid tattoos are stupid.

So what do I think constitutes a stupid tattoo?  I mean, sometimes you just know it when you see it.  It might be the concept, sometimes the placement, often the execution.  Sometimes you just look like a dumb tramp.  Sometimes your "artistic" tattoo just looks freakish.  Sometimes your tattoo is a bit too current pop culture.  Sometimes your tattoo is spelled incorrectly.  Sometimes what you thought would look cool just ends up looking like an infectious disease.  Sometimes it's clear from your tattoo that you lost a bet.  Sometimes your tattoo just says that you'd rather not contribute to society ever again.

Not all tattoos are dumb.  This one is pretty cool.  This one belongs to a friend of mine.  This guy is freaking awesome, and I'm half tempted to get this one.  I mean, I guess the thing that gets me is that this stuff is basically permanent (blah, blah, blah laser treatments, I know), and why would you want some of it on your body forever?  How do some of these "canvases" expect to be taken seriously?  Like this guy:

Oh, wait.  Apparently there's Dermablend for that now.

Well then, mark up your body however you want.  Carry on.

4.  Do not assume your friends have your quirky sensibilities when you make, buy, or give them stuff.

Personally, I find the idea of making one of these for all my girlfriends insanely hilarious: 

It's a purse shaped like a uterus and ovaries.  Get it?  

Says the creator of this lovely crochet pattern: "Perfect for storing feminine hygiene products while on the go (Tampax Pearl Shown), or as a gag gift for new or expecting mothers!"  I'm not sure how it's perfect for new/expecting mothers (condoms, maybe?), but I sure as hell know that none of my friends would find this as adorably woman-positive as I did.  I imagine our taste differences don't end here.

5.  Do not press.

6.  Do not dress up to fly.

Or travel at all unless you're commuting to work/school.  Seriously.  There is no point.

Every.  Damn.  Time.


7.  Do not judge an entire breed of dogs just because a few of them have been beaten and starved into being vicious.

Also, do not let me ever catch you abusing your dog.  I will end you.


8.  Do not show up at my house and knock on my door without first calling and telling me you're coming.

Seriously, that is one of the rudest things.  Ever.  I'm a large-chested gal, and I like to run around without my bra on because it's much more comfortable.  However, I don't like to answer my door without it on.  It's much too personal, and we don't have that kind of relationship.  Or what if I'm in the bathroom?  Or avoiding you?  If I'm interested in entertaining you, I'll answer my phone and prepare to receive guests.  If I don't pick up, there's usually a reason why.  Call first (or text, or fb, or send me an email... I'm flexible).


9.  Do not body shame. 

Yes, there is an ideal weight range that the majority of healthy people fall within.  Yes, there are examples where people outside of this ideal weight range should be working with their doctors to lose or gain weight in order to put their bodies in a healthy place along a variety of indicators.  No, neither you nor I have any right to comment on someone's BMI like we've read all the details of her or his medical chart.

Everyone deserves positive feedback.  Maybe you find someone's physical features unattractive; compliment their shoes or the color of their shirt.  TELL PEOPLE when they look good (or when you notice that they've put some effort into their look - everyone likes to know they've been noticed).  Compliments don't cost you anything.  Give them away as freely as you possibly can.  The more you do it, the easier and more natural it gets.  Make someone's day a little brighter and give them a sincere compliment.

Why I'm Against Public Breastfeeding... Kind Of...

A friend of mine just posted a link to this article about a picture of breastfeeding mothers.  Two of the mothers are in their military uniforms (see below).

(Photo Credit: Brynja Sigurdardottir)

My friend's comment on the article was "Very interesting. It amazes me that feeding babies is such a social taboo... I hate to be obvious, but that's what breasts are FOR."

As a third wave feminist (Wikipedia basics), I've got a lot to say on the topic of breastfeeding in public.  Apart from the biological pros (some decently skewed articles here and here), there are a bunch of social issues to consider.

Admittedly, my first response to my friend's comment was "by that same logic, I ought to be able to have sex, urinate, or defecate in public because that's what those body parts are FOR."  Not one of my most enlightened thoughts.  However, it touches on one of the main issues (in my mind) about breast feeding: why do many people find it so disturbing?

One of the easiest (and culturally-influenced) explanations is that breastfeeding might have something to do with modesty.  After all, whipping boobs out in public is generally considered immodest (to put it mildly), and in our Puritanical society "good, honest, sweet women just don't do that."  (For my LDS friends, the general definition of modest living, not the screwed up version that obsesses about the length of shorts, naked shoulders, and "sexy" babies, is what I'm talking about - helpful articles that give some context here and here.)  Since the right kind of women don't do that, then a woman who does must be the wrong kind of woman, right?  So any time a woman shows off even part of her breast, she must be a tramp.  Ok, fine, we've defined modesty.

Except that breasts don't always serve a sexual purpose.  To an infant, breasts are just as innocuous as a fork or a cup.  Unfortunately, our poor, brainwashed social selves are often unable to see past the social definitions we've grown up with, and we fail to see it from the infant's perspective.  So, for better or worse, the general consensus in American culture is that breastfeeding is complicated, but still kind of dirty, and since it mixes sex and motherhood, it makes us feel weird.  Especially when the mother is a "good, honest, sweet woman" by all other counts.  Perhaps women who are still breastfeeding ought to take that into consideration and stop being so incensed by the reactions they get from doing so in public venues; parading your alternative lifesyle choices in front of people who prefer that everyone follow social norms has its consequences.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being more open-minded about breast feeding and not forcing babies to effectively eat their meals in public bathrooms.  In fact, in relatively private settings or appropriate settings (your home, homes of close friends or families, nursing lounges, nurseries, etc.), I'm all for doing whatever it is that works for your situation.  By all means, don't even bother covering up with a blanket if that's what floats your boat.  When it's appropriate.

BUT that doesn't mean you should be doing it where ever and whenever you want.  When you choose to have a child (not "choose to get pregnant" because even birth control + condoms can fail; I'm talking about choose to keep your baby, to adopt, to foster, to date/marry someone with kids, etc.) you understand that you're making certain sacrifices in the way you live your life.  One of those sacrifices for a while is that you have to be aware of your baby's feeding schedule and then adjust your personal life accordingly.

I think it's a double standard to be upset with one mother because she chooses to go out and leave her child frequently with a sitter but not chastise another for bringing her child to inappropriate venues.  Fact of that matter is that both women are acting selfishly.  I refuse to applaud a mother for bringing her small child to a nice restaurant (or other non-child-friendly locale).  I don't think she's crusading against social norms and refusing to be confined to a set definition of femininity and motherhood;  I think she's selfishly potentially ruining the expensive dinners of nearby diners.  Not just by breastfeeding, but because of all of the realities of babies - smelly diapers, crying, using walking space for highchairs, obnoxious baby talk...  It's not like the child is getting anything out of dinner.  More often, it's because the mother has something to prove.

Which brings me to the image from the original article.  Fact of the matter is that the women photographed breastfeeding in uniform know what the standards ought to be while wearing said uniform.  So while practicality might call for them to pump in the locker room in uniform while on active duty away from the public eye, arranging to be photographed participating in something that is clearly a physical sign of affection violates the spirit of the rules they agree to adhere to.  They're making a statement, and inappropriately using their uniforms to do so.

The photographer is quoted in the article saying "These women just happen to be in the Air Force, in their uniform, breastfeeding their babies" as though she innocently had no idea what was going on.  But the old adage is true: a picture is worth a thousand words.  Regardless of the personal opinions of anyone involved about breastfeeding and uniforms and whatever else their campaign is trying to encourage, fact of the matter is that they're selfishly making a statement that has nothing to do with their babies and everything to do with the women involved.

Being a mom isn't "convenient" for anyone.  Being a parent is about making sacrifices.  Sometimes that means putting off your social life for a little while, or altering it to a more socially acceptable location or activity.  Is proving a point really worth putting your baby in the center of a storm of negative reactions?  If so, you maybe ought to rethink your priorities.

First of all, this is the first post I've made in a while and I HATE the new interface.  Seriously.  WTF?

Second, I've started online dating.  Or, well, not dating.  I've not yet had a date.  But online messaging.  It's been about 10 days and so far... well... I'm not any more successful online than I am in real life.  Oh well.  It's something to do.  Oh, and for those of you who might be wondering how that fits into the whole "permission to stop trying so hard in dating" thing, it's simple.  I'm a little bit of a hypocrite.  A very, very bored hypocrite.

Third, I'm currently looking for a job.  For those of you who are familiar with the job market in Pocatello... it blows.  I've had a couple of interviews, but it's hard to even apply for things because there are so few job openings that I'm even qualified to apply for.  My goal is one application per day.  Sometimes I make it.  Other times... no one is hiring that day, so I don't apply.  I would really like to have something to do.  Something that doesn't involve Facebook.  I think it's time to start volunteering somewhere.

Fourth, sewing is one of the most frustrating, rewarding things I have ever done.  I took a costume construction class this past semester, and afterwards I decided to buy a sewing machine and have been making stuff since.  I've made some stuff for me and for other people as well, and I've been really enjoying the results.  The only problem I've been having is that I haven't finished reorganizing my room to make space for said sewing machine, so I've had to settle for sewing in the living room.  Having to clean up and pack my stuff to my room every night and bring it back to the living room and unpack it the next day kind of puts a damper in working on projects.  But cleaning is much less fun than sewing so...

Meh, that's all for now.  I kept avoiding the two things I want to talk most about, and this is no different.  Blah. Maybe later.

School and Other Things

Tonight I'm going to see "The Lorax" with a friend.  I think it's fitting that the opening night is on Dr. Seuss's birthday.  I loved the book as a kid, and I'm so excited that they made it into a movie.  I hope the animation is as good as what they were able to do with "Horton Hears a Who".  I'm excited to see what they do with the story to make it long enough to be a movie (well, 86 minutes anyway), and I think Danny Devito should make a good Lorax.  I'm also excited that we aren't going to the 3D version.  I maintain that the only 3D movie that I've ever seen that was worth seeing in 3D was "Coraline" and everything else has just been a letdown.  For those of you who have never read "The Lorax" 1.) you're missing out and 2.) here is the ebook version via youtube.  Enjoy.

In other news, I will be able to start planning my classes for next fall starting 3 weeks from today.  I was hoping to student teach Fall '13, but I was reviewing the classes I still need to talk and I think I'm going to push it back to Spring '14.  The extra semester will make my class load a little lighter, and I think that will be a better option for me.  Assuming my financial aid will hold out.  That's the part that makes me nervous.  I don't mind paying it back, but I'd really like to know if it will hold out long enough for me to, you know, graduate.  I'm also trying to decide if I should just bite the bullet and take the Praxis, even though I'll hopefully be teaching in Wyoming and they don't require it.  I suppose it couldn't hurt, right?

Though speaking of Praxis, I will need to take the Praxis tests (I think) if I'm going to teach with the DoD.  I was looking online, and I'm pretty excited about doing it.  The areas I could be posted (if they hire me) would be

• One-Year Tour Areas: Bahrain, Cuba, Italy (Sigonella), Korea, Japan (Misawa and Okinawa), Portugal (Azores) and Turkey.
• Two-Year Tour Areas: Belgium, England, Germany, Italy (other than Sigonella), Japan (other than Misawa and Okinawa), Netherlands and Spain.

How exciting would it be to live for a year or two somewhere like that?!  I'd love to see Christmas in a foreign country, and it would be fun to get to know any one of those cultures.  Between the living there and the traveling, I can't imagine a better way to spend my first two years of teaching.  If they'll have me.  Good thing that the most illegal thing I've done involves a parking violation.  I wonder how hard it is to get a job with DoD to go overseas.  I don't know anyone who has applied with them in the last 10 years...

So this whole being single thing is working out for me so far.  I haven't really had anyone ask me out, but I'm not all that stress about it.  I've been out with various friends, so it's not that I have no social life, and it's been nice to not have to be all stressed out about my future.  I think the only stressful thing about being single is having roommates.  I mean, I don't mind the ones I have, but living with other people always presents challenges and I think that overall I prefer the slight bits of antisocial solitude to the stresses of living with other people.  I'm not bothered enough to move, so obviously things are going ok, but in the end I prefer my own space to do with what I will.  Meh.  Things could be worse.

Life as a Single Girl

Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook an article that asked a very interesting question:

Why are Americans still so obsessed with single people—and so scared by them?

This question seems incredibly appropriate to my current life.  In some ways, I can answer this question in relation my culture.  LDS single adults are bombarded with messages, both doctrine and personal opinion, about the importance of "eternal marriage," "eternal companions," and the like.  And though I respect their right to their own world view, the underlying urgency to get married to someone, sometimes anyone, who can at least keep up appearances at church and around extended family of being an eternally happy family can be overwhelming.  Not to mention that the older you get, the slimmer the pickings get.  And since there is also the sense of "divorced = used/damaged goods" and "you want someone who doesn't have a nasty past" and "returned missionaries are the only men worth marrying, regardless of why they didn't go or their commitment level while they were out" and "there's usually a reason you're not married by 25" and a dozen other misguided, judgmental, un-Christlike messages, being single becomes even more frowned upon.

Now, before I get a bunch of "I've never judged someone like that" or "I've never seen this in my ward" or I've never felt judged" comments, let me just say that while this may be true for >1% of the LDS singles population, it probably isn't true for you.  I respect your right to pretend to be indignant about a sweeping generalization about your religion, and even tolerate your (judgmental) assessment that my feelings stem from being bitter and having left the Church and therefore somehow twisting the beauty of the gospel and culture to fit my own perceptions (or some variation of that), but at the end of the day I honestly don't take your "righteous" defensive comments seriously because, as I said before, you are not part of the >1%, because they don't feel the need to comment like that.  End of story.

So anyway, back, to the point of this post.  So LDS singles are terrified of remaining so in small part because of the religious implications and in large part because of the cultural judgments associated with singlehood.  And since I was a practicing member up until sometime in January, it makes sense that I still have some leftover feelings along this line.  But that doesn't explain the American (or maybe human) drive to be in a relationship for non-religious reasons.  I mean, people do all kinds of crazy things to avoid being alone, from dating people who are toxic or abusive or simply wrong for them, to staying in relationships that are clearly dysfunctional or which impede progression of the individual, to settling for the illusion of being in a relationship by participating in one night stands, booty calls, "friends with benefits", affairs, and a host of other pseudo-commitments.  Why do we do these things to ourselves?

I think, in part, because the alternative is terrifying.  Not necessarily the idea of being alone (though that is terrifying for some people), but the idea of having to justify your decision to remain single and deal with the ridiculous comments from people who have no business being interested in your relationship status anyway.  When I announced on my birthday that I was going to stop actively looking for my other half, I had all kinds of people who, when they heard, found it necessary to tell me exactly what they thought of my decision.  And though some of those comments were kind, I wasn't looking for support in the decision I made.  I was merely announcing a change of behavior.  I can't imagine what it would be like to decide on and announce a permanent change in lifestyle.  I'd hate to have to defend my happiness simply because it wasn't necessarily a mainstream choice (although choosing to not be in a committed, monogamous, heterosexual relationship is becoming more and more mainstream than the outwardly conservative outspoken members of our culture would care to admit).

When I posted a link on Facebook to the article I read, a friend of mine made this comment: I spent most of my teens/early adulthood single and loved it. But loving it was exhausting -- I'd turn down offers to set me up, avoid guys who were interested, and constantly announce that I was VERY HAPPY ALONE, because I genuinely didn't want a boyfriend... and it was practically a full-time job convincing people that a) I was serious and b) I was straight.  This kind of situation is exactly what I'm talking about and what worries me the most about any kind of "radical" announcement.

But fears aside, here is a semi-announcement: I'm going to try out the single life.  Not the "waiting around for a boyfriend" life, or the "between relationships" life, but the truly single life.  I was telling someone that some of most dissatisfying times in my existence have been when I was pursuing a relationship that didn't pan out.  And rather than find myself in yet another situation like that, I'm going to focus on developing myself as a person.  I'm not going to be dishonest about things: if a relationship shows up on my front door I'm not going to turn it down.  However, I'm not going to do anything to encourage it.  AND, I'm going to blog it.  Because that's what I do (or pretend to do, anyway).

Slate article: Singled Out

10 People

I'm having a rough time in my head tonight.  Lots of confusion.  Lots of school-related reading.  Lots of heartbreak.  Lots of icky.  Most of it at a handful of specific people.  So, cowardly as it might seem to be, I'm doing a writing exercise taken from the days of myspace where I anonymously write messages to 10 people without posting their names or any specific details.  For my sake and/or for theirs.  If they read and guess who they are, that's ok.  I probably should say some of this to their faces anyway.  Hopefully it will help.

1. I think you're a great person.  I really do.  I wish you could see that about yourself.  I wish you would stop holding yourself to their standards, stop taking on their crap, and stop making your life harder than it needs to be.  I realize I sound like a hypocrite, but I'm saying it anyway because I love you.
I told you that I'm your friend because I know how much I messed up and therefore don't have hopes that you'll ever trust me enough.  You directed me to a picture of your favorite quote: "Forgiveness means not letting the past dictate the future."  I know from experience that to assume you meant anything more than to show me a personal life philosophy would be silly of me, even dangerous, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that what you meant is more nights like Monday.  

I love you.  I thought I loved you before, because I kept superimposing on you the emotions I had for someone you reminded me of, but once I stripped away all of that and took a look at raw YOU-ness, I realized I love who you are.  Your quirks and oddities.  The way you stop speaking to me when you're upset.  How much you want to explore me without giving very much of yourself in return (except that then sometimes you do, totally at random).  How insecure you are when think no one is looking.  The plant on your windowsill that seems so out of place.  That you never kick me out of your bed, and let me stay at your place after you've gone.  The thousand different ways you make me feel.
I love you.  I wish we wanted the same thing: to be together.  Not in any kind of "this is my boyfriend and we're monogamous" way, but in the way that I stay over most nights and sometime I do homework while you play Rockband or we read lines to each other or whatever and if I go to bed early you sneak in and try to not wake me up.  And some nights you wake me up at 2:30 because you can't stand to keep your hands to yourself anymore or I wake you up at who-knows-what-time because I'm not crying as quietly as I thought.  And if you have someone else you want to see that night or if I kiss someone else that's ok, because we are so comfortable in our own us-ness that things like that don't matter.  I'll always keep my own place, but I want a drawer at yours too.  And lets not brag it around to everyone because they don't all need to know.  Will you teach me to play guitar?

2.  I don't know what to say to you.  I love what we had, but I feel like I'm supposed to feel like it's time to change that.  We have to become adults sometimes, and while you might be ok with what's happening in your head, the fact that there are so many lies and sneaking about all the time means you also know that it's not really ok at all.  But I'm not the one who has anything to be honest about, so I don't really feel all that guilty.  And anyway, I love you.  I want to be the woman you marry when we're in our 40s and ready to settle down for reals this time.  It takes my breath away when I kiss you.  It always has.  Can you tell?

3.  I would if I could and if you would.  But you never will.  And I don't want to upset the very delicate balance of things.  I feel like Worf must have in the final season of TNG if you're Deanna and there are two Will Rikers (except slightly less hairy).  But if you ever wanted to, I have a holodeck program that has a sandy beach and a full moon and it absolutely romantic.  Just saying.

4.  I miss you.  Every day.  And then you didn't respond.  And now it's worse.  Why can't I come home?

5.  I wish you would stop talking to me.  I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel you'll go into another tailspin, and I DON'T want to be responsible for that, but you can't seriously believe that there's anything for you to try to befriend again after the shit you pulled the last time.  I don't want your drama that you bring upon yourself.  I don't want to deal with the demands of "being allowed" to be your friend.  I don't feel guilty for never wanting to see you again.  And I'd tell you all this if you were more emotionally stable.  In the meantime, I need for you to just stop, ok?  Find someone else to use; I'm not interested.

6.  I'd love to get to know you.  The distance thing puts a damper on it, and I get the feeling you're not an avid texter or else I'd keep things up that way.  You've got a decent shot, most likely, not least because someone I trust vouched for you in both an inebriated AND a sober state.  And besides, you have one of the awesomest hobbies ever (yes, I know that it should say "most awesome" but I'm ignoring the rules of grammar because of how awesome it is).

7.  I can't.  I thought I could, but I can't.  I won't change myself that much, and I won't go without what I need in hopes that you're going to eventually change.  You shouldn't change.  You should be you.  Someone will someday be introduced into your life with similar goals and relational needs.  But I am not that girl.  I am, in fact, a very different girl from that girl.  And it's not a matter of you not being a good guy, though you very well might not understand that when I tell you all of this.  I think you're an excellent guy, or we wouldn't have gotten this far.  I simply need different things than you can give me (not more, not better, just different), and I think you need different things that I can give you.  So before anyone gets more hurt than they're already going to, I think we should just call it quits.  It's better this way, I promise.

8.  Fuck.  You.  And not in a pleasant, orgasmic kind of way.  More in the "I hope you get hit by a bus and then burst into flames" kind of way.

9.  I hope you're doing alright.  I like my life better without you in it, but I still want good things for you.  I hope you end up getting what you wanted (except, of course, for the "being with Jocelyn" part).

10.  I wonder if you knew as a kid how much the things you said would impact me.  it's been 15 years, but I can still hear the things you said and I still look into the mirror sometimes with the same kinds of critical, mocking looks you used to give me in class and on the playground.  I wonder if you would be interested to know that, had I had better self esteem, I might have been accepted by the other kids, played harder, and not let the weight get out of hand.  I might not be this sick now.  I might have spent adolescence loving myself, not hiding in my weight, and it might not have become a friendly ally in my quest to hide my tears.  I might have been able to shed it early on, stayed on top of being healthy, and never felt like a diet would kill my only constant companion.

I wonder if you care as an adult, or if the loathing you developed in 3rd grade and carried through to graduation shields you from feeling guilty.  Did you think then that I deserved it?  Do you still?  Do you even remember why you started mocking me, why you were the ring-leader in destroying the inherent joy and trust of a little girl?  Why you took one of God's precious daughters and broke her spirit, made her feel ugly, left her jaded and destroyed even still?  How much of what you did then played a part in me clinging to a poisonous relationship even after it degenerated into nothing more than mental and sexual abuse?  

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming you for the way my life has gone so far.  I don't think it was only your playground taunts that have impacted my life.  In fact, I rarely think about you in all honesty.  But sometimes, when I least expect it, those ugly words come back and my inner child cringes, and it's all I can do to not look you up and demand an apology or at least an explanation.  But then I remind myself that you are (or anyway, you were) a Mormon boy and 10 is older than 8.  What that means for you, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is that you're going to be accountable for all of it some day.  Every action has a price.

There you have it.  I am anticipating a few texts now of "was I number X?" or "was number X person 1 or person 2?"  I'll answer honestly your very first guess, if you so choose to ask.  Because I'm a good sport like that.