Reflections On Turning 25

My birthday was last Friday.  The whole day was amazing.  I treated myself to a facial in the morning, work went well, then my family came over and we had a little four person celebration, and then we went o dinner along with a bunch of my friends.  Ariel and Andrew came up from Salt Lake; Meagan, Abby, Luke, Jared, Alex, DJ, and Gerrit were all there and looked really, really good; Jim stayed in Pocatello a few extra days to be there and he and Kyle sat together; Whitney came a little late because she was at a family function, but she was still there in plenty of time; and Amelia was there looking fabulous as always.  Everyone seemed to get along really well.  Dinner was excellent, and our waiters were really nice; one even did the group photo for us.  We ate in the loft of The Bridge, and it was just our little group upstairs.  I bought my own cake and my own flowers (two dozen white roses), and I looked amazing; I felt so powerful and ready to take on the world!  I couldn't have asked for a better day, except maybe if Jared and Jess had been able to come over and Jesse wouldn't have had to work.  It was fantastic.

For my birthday, I gave myself an amazing gift: the right to stop trying so hard.  I've been actively doing my part in dating and working so hard at it - I do a lot of asking, I try to meet people, I do my best to be friendly - and after failing to go on a second date since Nik and I were together, and after nine years of rejections and false starts and painful, broken-hearted nights of crying, I'm done.  I don't want to try anymore, and the hope in me is broken.  So, I gave myself permission to stop pursuing and trying.  It's relieving.

While I find it liberating, I did have a couple of loose ends on my birthday to tie up.  One person I was holding out for has finally done the thing that makes me realize there is nothing worth waiting around for.  We're still good friends, still "entangled" (I'm hoping, anyway) as it were, but it's clear now that he hasn't only got eyes for me and that's ok.  I'm happy for him.  The other person I was hoping that something would happen with I confronted about two weeks ago about his situation.  I'm worried about him because I think he's become complacent in his life and, as his friend, I'm worried that he's letting opportunities he once wanted to participate in pass him by simply because he's content to not change.  Since that conversation, he's been distancing himself from me more and more, and last night I finally realized that, while all practical reasoning says we are fairly perfect for eachother, he isn't in a place to do anything about it and even if he were he likely wouldn't.  It's complicated and crappy, but I'm done with it.

So here I am: 25, single, and finally free to do things and make choices and enjoy activities just for me.  It's hard, and kind of crappy sometimes (like tonight, when all I want is someone to cuddle up with who will hold me and let me cry and feel sorry for myself).  I never would have wished it on myself.  I feel a little bit like God let me down and made me promises he hasn't kept, which hurts.  BUT I also feel a little free.  My life isn't where I would have wished it, but it's not necessarily in a bad place either.  I have new dreams that have replaced the ones I used to have.  Not better, just different.  I've learned a lot, and I only have one major regret from it all.  Not bad for a quarter of a century, if I do say so myself.

New Life, New Blog Face

I decided to update the face of my blog because I feel like I'm headed on the right path towards a new life.  I've had a hard time blogging over the summer, partly because of time, but also because I wasn't quite sure which parts of what I was going through to share with everyone.  But now that the transition is basically over, hopefully I'll be more confident in sharing what's happening with my readers.

I've had a really hard time for several years as people have insisted that the best way to be is to be confident in who I am and be that person and to only display that single personality type.  I've found recently for myself, however, that this perspective is incredibly confining.  I can't think of anything more personally restrictive than choosing a single way of being and forcing myself to only exist in that one manner, regardless of any daily inclinations I might have to do something different.

While I realize that, for some, the idea of being only one personality is freeing - no need to remember who you are around which people or whatever.  For them, the idea of being different "people" might seem strange or even terrifying.  I can see how others might view my personal choice as downright schizophrenic.  I disagree with that assessment.  Someone who suffers from schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder does it because they cannot control it.  I can see how others might view my take on the matter as simply an unwillingness to commit to some ideal social standard of "what is normal."  Again, I disagree, but this time because of the pure and simple fact that being multifaceted with my personality is just that: a choice.

I've been afraid for so long to allow myself the option of being what is right for me.  I've spent a long time trying to be something definable, something that can be put into some kind of a classification.  But I've come to realize that, for me, doing so only denies my true nature and forces me to ignore several dimensions of my basic nature in order to display others.  I'm done with doing that.  It sucks.


The analogy to use is that of a diamond.  Uncut,  a diamond is certainly lovely and very strong.  It has several qualities of value, though its true potential has yet to be realized.  A cut diamond, on the other hand, shows quite a change.  The gem always retains its strength, but once the blemishes are removed and the edges cut and polished the diamond's true beauty is finally revealed.  It is only when the gem has facets cut into it that its true potential comes forth.  So it is with me.  In order for my true inner beauty, the potential I have within myself, to come alive and display itself for the world to see and appreciate, I can't confine myself to one or to basic, "acceptable" definitions.  I am deeper and wider and more faceted than that.  And it's only by letting myself be cut and polished that I am able to show not only my strength by also my beauty.  Only by choosing to be multifaceted am I able to show my complete worth.

Man, I suck at this blogging thing sometimes...

I haven't blogged in a while, and what do I chose to do?  Oh, that's right, I post one of these things that I used to do in junior high.  Sorry guys.

Taken from a friend on Facebook, lol.

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice? blue cheese

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? depends on what I'm in the mood for: Texas Roadhouse, Olive Garden, or IHOP

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? those huge chocolate muffins.  of course, at the end of two weeks, my butt will be HUGE.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice? olives, sausage, extra cheese

5. What do you like to put on your toast? butter, sometimes cinnamon and sugar

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house? 1

2. The color of your cell phone?  charcoal

3. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has? lots!

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? warts

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted? laundry basket.  I need to do laundry more often.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? not with a blow to the head or something, but I did get CO2 poisoning once, and that made me pass out

************BULLPOOPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name, so I would never change it!  but if I HAD to change it, I'd pick something classic, like Katherine  or Mary or Elizabeth.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? how big is the bottle?

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1 that I regularly wear

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops? a month ago I got pulled over for a missing tail light

3. Last person you talked to? my dad called this morning

4. Last person you hugged? Jim 

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season? summer

2. Holiday? Halloween

3. Day of the week? Friday

4. Month? May?

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone? yes

2. Mood? tired, stressed

3. What are you listening to? it's a Saturday morning, so cartoons of course!

4. Watching? see above

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning? my basement

2. What's the last movie you saw?  I Am Number Four

3. Do you smile often? some days

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone? far from it.  I screen calls.

2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message? this is not a question.  I don't know how to answer it.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be? I love my hazel eyes.  but I'd want them either really intensely gray, or deep green.

4. Do you own a digital camera? yes.  and I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures on it.

5. Have you ever had a pet fish? have one right now, actually.

6. Favorite Christmas song(s)? "Present Face" by Garfunkel and Oats

7. What's on your wish list for your birthday? kitchenaid (I won't get it)

9. Can you do a chin up? not a chance

10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? terrified

11. Do you have any saved texts? not anymore

12. Ever been in a car wreck? several

13. Do you have an accent? kind of.  I slur my words now a lot more than I did before England.

14. What is the last song that made you cry? I honestly don't remember

15. Plans tonight? LAVA!!!

16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yeah.  spent a good deal of time there, actually

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday? yogurt pretzels, licorice, and chocolate muffins

18. Have you ever been given roses? yes

19. Current worry? having to face adult responsibilities (like taking care of my parents) with no one to share that burden with.

20. I'll make another one up xD-favorite smiley? just the standard :)

21. Met someone who changed your life? everyone you meet can change your life, and most do

22. How will you bring in the New Year? that's a really good question, actually

23. What song represents you? "I'm a Little Teapot"?

24. Name three people who might complete this?  I don't even think people read my blog.  so possibly no one.  and, if so, I'd never really know about it.

25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes.  and I'd do my best to change it.

27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings? ears

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? maybe?

29. Does anyone love you? yep!

30. Ever had someone sing to you? most recently last Sunday

31. When did you last cry? a few days ago

32. Do you like to cuddle? YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES

33. Have you held hands with anyone today? I haven't seen anyone yet

34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? country

35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new

36. Do you like pulpy orange juice? on very rare occasions, but usually not

37. Do you believe angels walk among us? sure

Today, on Facebook, a friend of mine posted this in his "notes" section, and so I figured it would be nice to repost here.

WHO you are matters less now than ever before. Pedigrees no longer matter. You can go from nobody to famous, or rich, or happy, or successful without anyone else’s permission.
WHAT you are matters less now than ever before. Movie stars and wine experts, academics and ultimate wrestlers are all on the same playing field.
WHERE you are matters less now than ever before. You can be sharing photos from your basement apartment in Brooklyn, building a semi-conductor in your garage in Palo Alto, or leading a revolution in the streets of Egypt.
HOW you do what you do, matters less now than ever before. Doesn’t matter if you shoot it on a Panavision 35 or a HdSLR. It only matters that you did it.
What DOES matter is….
WHEN. If you don’t do it now, you might miss this amazing window.
and…
WHY. Why you do what you do always matters. Don’t even think of asking me to explain it.

My new goal is to be more aware of the opportunities that are right in front of me.

And, just like that, I did something brave today.

Remembering That I've Grown Up Can Be Hard

I've been bad lately.  Not to other people, but to myself.  That dirtbag from last post?  I may or may not have fallen for him just a tiny bit.  And it's making me pathetic.  It's times like these that I wish I owned the movie He's Just Not That Into You because Alex, played by one

Justin Long, being hott

of the hottest sexy skinny nerdy men of all time, dispenses some fantastic advice.  Advice I wish I could remember all the time, but can't ever seem to. Advice like "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." and "If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you." and "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."  Why do I keep forgetting this advice and trying so hard?  Why can't I seem to walk away from guys whose inattention leaves me feeling desperate and inadequate?  I'm better than this.

There's a lot of truth to the realizations Gigi comes to in the movie about being the "rule" rather than the "exception" in bad dating stories, but I don't think that's my problem.  I think my problem is that once, a long time ago, I convinced myself that I should never give up hope in dating and relationships, and that I never wanted to be the one guilty of giving up first or not trying hard enough.  And now, I'm paying for it.

Sort of.  I mean, in a cost/benefit analysis situation, I'm not really paying that much for it, assuming it eventually pays off.  I don't love putting myself out there and getting rejected, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be guilty of making too much of an effort than of not making any effort at all.  Gigi has something really great to say about all of this, so I'm going to let her take it away:

I would rather be like that, then be like you.  ...  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

How great is that?  And how true.  Some people think that in order to feel "truly alive" they have to go skydiving or something equally as crazy (or more so).  But not me.  I think living life to the fullest is about experiencing a full range of emotions, and doing so passionately.

Which means loving and hoping and giving passionately.  And hurting and crying passionately sometimes too.  And I'm ok with that.

What I'm not ok with is forgetting to treat myself well by dating (or pursuing) guys who make me feel expendable.  I need to work on that.

Surprisingly, I'm not surprised

Generally, I don't love blogs that whine for the sake of whining.  My policy tends to be somewhere between "If you don't like what's happening, change what's happening" and "The secret to having it all is believing that you do."  In other words, figure out how to fix your problems or quit whining about having them.

And yet today I find that the same complaint I've had for probably about a decade is still true.  Somewhere in my 15-year-old brain, I kept hoping that things would change when I, and those around me, became adults.  Turns out, the same problems that I had in high school are just as true today as they where nine years ago.

To explain what's happening, I should probably start about six months ago.  Last semester, there was a guy in my Stagecrafting class.  Seemed like a nice enough guy, and I tried talking to him a couple of times, but he basically seemed to blow me off.  Not a big deal.  He seemed at the time to be a little more mature than the freshman in the class, which is good seeing as he's three or so years older than I am, so I just chocked it up to the general "I'm more mature than everyone here and most of them are beneath me" attitude that many students get when they're older than nearly all of their peers.  I'm guilty of the same attitude on occasion.  Whatever.

Flash forward to Monday.  After a few times of people goading me to register at PlentyOfFish.com, I decided to finally give in.  After all, one never knows where he or she will find the opportunity that leads them to their next relationship.  So, swallowing my pride and realizing that I was a hypocrite to do so after all that I've said about online dating, I filled out a profile and uploaded a picture.  Huzzah?

Amusingly, this same guy was one of my top matches after I'd registered.  We happen to have some contact via the theater department for the next couple of weeks, so I mentioned it to him on Tuesday.  He went on and found me yesterday, and sent me his number.  He mentioned to me yesterday that he'd found my profile, and told me that I was something of a mystery because apparently my behavior in the theater building doesn't match my profile.

So when I got home last night, I checked my POF email to see what was up, and we both ended up being online.  We IMed, then we texted, and things seemed to be going ok.  He's interesting, and apparently I was interesting to him.  Seemed like a good sign.

He mentioned several times that he prefers truth and is open about things, but that he's shy and he doesn't get subtlety, so after some more texting this morning I mentioned that I'm fed up with calling the shots in relationships of any kind and that, if things were going to move past us being texting buddies, he'd have to make the effort first.  I also said that I was looking for a relationship and not a quick hookup.  And apparently that freaked him out.  I guess I don't get it:   I suppose being open about things is his specialty, not something he likes from others.

Or maybe he's just being like nearly every other guy I've met.  See, men seem to have this problem.  They say they want certain things in a woman - intelligence, independence, honesty - or that they don't like certain things - head games, promiscuity, Jessica-Simpson-esque conversation skills - and yet, when a woman like they've claimed to want shows up, rejection ensues.

This isn't just something that happens to me.  I know plenty of amazing, confident, intelligent, beautiful women who are single because men seem to be falling all over themselves to date the women who exhibit the media's idea of perfection and who are exactly what they claim to be trying NOT to find.  I don't understand this.

My silly little example is but one among many.  And who knows, maybe he's just waiting until he sees me tonight to hash it out.  But I doubt it.  I think that men would prefer that women go back to being 50s house wives, a la Stepford Wives.  It makes me sick.  No wonder I'm tired of dating.

For my male readers: your apparent ideal

DIY - Doing It Yourself

I've been doing a bunch of decorating lately.  It started off as hanging up a couple of pictures after my roommate left.  She'd been the only one of us with things hanging on the walls, and so things looked pretty bare after she'd moved.  Once that had happened, I got brave and asked our landlord if I could paint a couple of walls and spruce things up a bit.  She brought me some paint and some brushes, and off I went.

Hurrah for red paint!!!

I wish I would have taken better "before" pictures, because without them there is no context for how much better the wall looks now that it's painted.  I have one more wall to go, and I'll remember to do pictures of it.

I drew the white line in MSPaint after I took the picture.
The line and everything to the left of it used to look like
the picture below.  The wall was really awkward and ugly...

This is the best picture I can get of the paint.  Basically it
was white with gray sponged on over top.  The sponging
job was really poorly done, and it just made the walls look
like they were always dirty.  The red paint looks much nicer.

Once the wall looked pretty, I couldn't help but hang some more pictures in the apartment.  The wall at the back of the living/dining room has been affectionately dubbed my "Jesus Wall" because the pictures and other framed pieces are all religious in nature.  (The art is in more detail below.  The CTR is something I made with vinyl letters and scrapbook paper; the two blank-looking frames hold copies of The Living Christ (pretty version) and The Family Proclamation (pretty version); the Faith image says "Faith is the essence of all things" and I've added white cardstock behind it so the red would show up.)

The "Jesus Wall"

"Rebekah an the Well" - Michael Deas

Pres. Uchtdorf quote (click to expand)

"To Be With God" - Simon Dewey

"Beside Still Waters" - Simon Dewey

This little apartment I'm living in is starting to feel like home.  :)

A Day of... Something?

So, I'm not doing so well on my Formula.  Or, at least, not the blogging bit.  In all fairness, I did blog for school one of those days, and I also have a separate blog that I update form my phone that none of you are getting the link to.  It says some pretty private stuff, after all.

I discovered a brilliant Tumblr account.  Personally, I hate Tumblr, as most of the people who post on it are pretentious, pretend-artistic, emotastic losers who want somewhere to post their "creations" and who trade followings so that they can feel popular.  HOWEVER, this Joey kid is amazing.  He's from out East somewhere, young and a university student.  A photographer, I think.  Anyway, his photos are well done, and when I become a famous novelist I'll try to find him and have him do my book jacket shots, but more importantly his eye for GIFs is superb.  He does mostly tv or video clips, but that doesn't make them any less well done.  I've now seen all 390+ pages of his stuff backwards through time, and he's actually become really pretty good.  You will likely see my posts peppered with his stuff from now on.

Like right now.  So the last couple of days, I've been feeling kind of at-the-back-of-the-room-ish.  You know, the feeling you get when you suddenly realize that no one is looking and you could totally pick your nose if you wanted to.  It's not a bad feeling, really; more than anything, it's a refreshing feeling, like you're not on stage and that's ok.  It's relieving.  And I'm actually really glad, because right now I feel like a few of the things in my life are metaphorically this:

Horray for being under the radar!

I'm really kind of glad (most of the time) to just be floating by with the occasional interpersonal contact.  It makes me feel sort of secure, which is good because I'm trying to get myself to relax and calm down and stop being insecure.  Anonymity is beautiful sometimes.

Hopefully This Works Out

My roommate and I were talking tonight about dating and relationships and marriage.  We weren't lamenting about being single, so much as we were sharing stories and hopes.  She revealed to me that she'd been told about the "formula" for getting married.  She was told by a BYU-I professor (who apparently got it from a GA) that there were five things that single sisters needed to do in order to get married within a year.  So we're starting a challenge - from now until she's done with her rotations (in May), we're going to try out this formula.

The five things are:

1. Read scriptures every day.
2. Go to church every Sunday.
3. Do temple work every week.
4. Journal every day.
5. Pray twice per day, and including about the righteous desire to get married.

The only catch to the formula is that you have to get out to places where you can meet people (besides just church on Sunday).  That's it.  (I'm really hoping that, since this was given more than a few years ago, blogging instead of journaling will suffice.  I don't really journal all that well; heck, I have enough trouble blogging!)

Our hope is that one of us will be in a relationship by finals.  I have faith!

It's Hard to Be Funny When You're Sick

I'll give you a hint about what I'm NOT in love with right now...

Pretty much I just want to take a bunch of sleeping pills and go to bed until this cold goes away.  My doc also has me taking 800 mg of Motrin 3 times a day (not good for driving, by the way).  My liver hurts.  My throat aches.  I can't cough anything up.  The pressure in my ears makes me want to cry.  I feel nauseous.  The tap water in Pocatello is nasty.  Everything I eat tastes like metallic phlegm.   And between the medication and my ears, my sense of balance is of and my visual perception is bad at best (I feel like a drunken high wire walker).

It could be worse.  I could have strep.  Sometimes it feels nice to just complain.

So, in order to make myself feel better, I've decided to post some things that make me laugh.  (Click to make them bigger.)

From Awkward Zombie:

From XKCD:

From I Can Has Cheezburger:

From YouTube:

and while I'm here...

which reminds me of...

which makes me think of...

It's not working.  I still feel sick.  I think I'm going to go take a nap.

Staying Young At Heart

So as I was eating breakfast today, it occurred to me that perhaps I should think about growing up.

As it turns out, I don't really qualify as an adult, and since I'm going to end up teaching high school I should probably attempt to be an adult as some point in my life.

Or not.

I rather enjoy being a little bit childlike (note: different from being immature) and I think that it makes up for all of the boring stuff that we have to do as adults.  I don't know that I need to join the Lost Boys in Neverneverland, but that doesn't mean I can't still enjoy the whims that make childhood so much fun.

But how does one stay young?  How do I avoid giving up my childlike joy of living?  I've come up with a few ideas to keep me from turning into a cranky old lady some day.

The Anti-Cranky Old Lady List

1.  Never eat "adult" cereal.
Sure, Kashi might be healthier for you, but it tastes like rainbows dying.  It is to be avoided at all costs.  Similarly, any other cereal without a cartoon character on the box is to be avoided.

2.  Splash through puddles.
Dry pants are for cranky old ladies (well, unless they're incontinent, but that's not what I mean).  Practicality must sometimes be ignored for the sake of really excellent puddle jumping.




3.  Lay on your back and stare up for a while.
At the ceiling.  At a tree.  At the clouds.  At the stars.  At the inside of your prison chamber (kidding!).  Look up, really look, and let your imagination run wild.  Or, at the very least, just slow down enough to pay attention to the world.

4.  Play with puppies or kitties.

No, this does not say "torment small fluffy animals with laser pointers."  That doesn't count.  Grab some string or a stuffed animal or even just tickle with your hand.  And when they get tired and lay down for a nap in the middle of it, cuddle up with them.

5.  Remember to tell your loved ones  how much they mean to you.

I'm talking about doing this in a way that's absolutely silly.  Come up with silly, affectionate nicknames.  Give them cards with googley-eyed cartoon characters.  Write them text messages with horrible spelling.  However you do it, make sure they know that you love them.

6.  Do kid-friendly crafts.

When was the last time you colored a page from a coloring book?  Or made a homemade Valentine's Day card?  Or made a mud pie?  I think we get so caught up being "sophisticated" with our creativity that we forget to have FUN with our craftiness.  Forget that.  Have fun just creating, and forget about trying to impress anyone because you used mauve- and beige-colored paint or your sculpture looks almost lifelike.

7.  Never forget that you are a pretty pretty princess (or prince).
Seriously.  You are amazing.  You have a whole kingdom that adores you and you deserved that adoration.  The only reason to ever stop pretending, at least in the back of your mind, that you're royalty is because you've grown up.  Being a princess doesn't mean being a spoiled brat, it just means loving yourself enough to demand the respect you actually deserve.

8.  Stay home sick sometimes.

There's such a push as we grow older to ignore our bodies when they feel ill and just go to work and tough it out.  But taking a break because you need to physically (or mentally!) rest in order to feel better is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself.  This is not an excuse to be lazy and stop functioning every time you get a mild headache, but rather permission to stop overworking yourself and making the situation both longer and more uncomfortable.

9.  Dress how you want.  They'll love you for it.
So yes, there are some occasions that require a dress code (work, weddings, church, etc.), but dressing like a "sensible adult" all the time is just icky.  It has the potential to make us forget who we are or were or want to be, and it's a type of conforming that can be quite damaging.  So express yourself through a few awesome pieces, from that offbeat piece of jewelry to those wicked yellow snakeskin leggings.  Wear it with confidence, and how the fashion police and "sensible adults" who's really in charge.

10.  Ask questions.

How did we learn so much so fast as kids?  We asked.  We were curious, and we found out the answers.  While it might be a little less acceptable to be downright rude or annoying with questions as adults, do it anyway sometimes.  You might be surprised at how willing (and grateful) someone is to talk to you.  Teach yourself to be ok with sounding stupid.  Become friends with Google and Wikipedia.  Keep learning, and your mind will keep growing.

11.  Go on, throw a tantrum.
Being occasionally angry is ok.  Studies have been done that confirm that holding all those emotions inside isn't healthy and leads to all sort of awful medical problems.  Don't go around being a crazy pessimistic DRAMA QUEEN all of the time, but go ahead and let it all out every now and then.

12.  Admit that you're afraid of the monster under your bed sometimes.

We all have things we're afraid of.  But pretending they don't exist doesn't help us get through that.  Sometimes, telling someone what we're afraid of allows us to open up and examine the fear for what it really is.  Sometimes, it helps us find answers.  And sometimes, it just allows someone else to tell us it will be ok and get a hug.

13.  Swing on the swings.

Remember how you used to feel pumping your legs and getting as high as you could?  'Nuff said.

14.  Hold someone's had when you cross the street.
Big decisions can sometimes be scary.  It's ok to ask someone to be there for you when you make them.  Support from loved ones can be hard to ask for, but it's totally worth it, and most of the time they can't wait to help you.  You'd do it for them, and they love you just as much.

15.  Giggle, shout, sing in public, dance in the rain, make snow angels, cry, ENJOY LIVING.

It's not always about being in charge of our emotions in a socially acceptable way.  Sometimes, a big loud belly laugh is just what the doctor ordered.  Making snow angels is spontaneous and feels good.  Crying with abandon can be more effective than years of sullen therapy.  ENJOY IT.  Let yourself.  It's ok.

Young At Heart!!

Fresh Look, Fresh Writing

What is it about blogging that is so inherently difficult for me to get a handle on?  I never really take the time to do it, which might be part of the problem, but I think there's something interesting to be said about the fact that I have more draft posts than published ones hanging out on my dashboard.  It's like a written identity crisis.  In order to identify why I can't seem to keep up on posting to save my life, I've complied a list of reasons that I think I have a hard time blogging.

1.  I find most bloggers obnoxious at best.
There is nothing more annoying to me than people who post thinking that other people care about their mindless crappy drivel that they think passes as "real blogging."  They aren't funny, they aren't posting anything of interest, and most of the time they can't even be bothered with proper punctuation or spelling.  For fear of being numbered among their masses, I keep not posting.

2.  Humor niche bloggers are often not as funny as they think they are.  Some are downright pretentious.
Case in point:  Allie from Hyperbole and a Half
Pretentious case in point:  the "pirate" named Maddox
I don't need to say anything else here.

3.  Mommy bloggers, food bloggers, fashion bloggers, etc. are boring.
I don't care about your kids or the "hilarious" things they do.  Unless you're creating your own recipes or writing actually helpful hints and not "lol, I made this, and I messed it up like this so next time I'll try this" garbage, your blog is lame and only your mother reads it.  Because she has to.  As for your "truly insightful" comments about the world of fashion... go die in a fire; no one will notice.

4.  Developing a voice is hard and I'm not all that inclined to do it.
I will say that the two examples are cited because their biggest flaw is that they're not really that funny; they have, however, developed their blogging voices to be really quite good in other ways.  I realize that part of blogging is about developing one's own voice, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to one specific way of writing, even for the extent of an entire post.  My writing style suffers from multiple personality disorder, and I'm not really sure that I want to force it to pick a single voice.

5.  Who actually reads this garbage anyway?
I can't say that I think there will be all that may people reading what I'm writing.  That being said, I don't see a reason to post regularly.  I suppose it's a good exercise in writing or whatever, but I'm not sure that "blog-style writing" will really be of any help as far as eventually getting published.

6.  I'm lazy.
There, I said it.  I don't like to finish posts because it takes more time than I feel like devoting to it.

So that's the list.  And you know what?  Screw it.  I'll probably fall into one of these categories more than once.  I'm ok with it.  Blogging is good for me.