10 People

I'm having a rough time in my head tonight.  Lots of confusion.  Lots of school-related reading.  Lots of heartbreak.  Lots of icky.  Most of it at a handful of specific people.  So, cowardly as it might seem to be, I'm doing a writing exercise taken from the days of myspace where I anonymously write messages to 10 people without posting their names or any specific details.  For my sake and/or for theirs.  If they read and guess who they are, that's ok.  I probably should say some of this to their faces anyway.  Hopefully it will help.

1. I think you're a great person.  I really do.  I wish you could see that about yourself.  I wish you would stop holding yourself to their standards, stop taking on their crap, and stop making your life harder than it needs to be.  I realize I sound like a hypocrite, but I'm saying it anyway because I love you.
I told you that I'm your friend because I know how much I messed up and therefore don't have hopes that you'll ever trust me enough.  You directed me to a picture of your favorite quote: "Forgiveness means not letting the past dictate the future."  I know from experience that to assume you meant anything more than to show me a personal life philosophy would be silly of me, even dangerous, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that what you meant is more nights like Monday.  

I love you.  I thought I loved you before, because I kept superimposing on you the emotions I had for someone you reminded me of, but once I stripped away all of that and took a look at raw YOU-ness, I realized I love who you are.  Your quirks and oddities.  The way you stop speaking to me when you're upset.  How much you want to explore me without giving very much of yourself in return (except that then sometimes you do, totally at random).  How insecure you are when think no one is looking.  The plant on your windowsill that seems so out of place.  That you never kick me out of your bed, and let me stay at your place after you've gone.  The thousand different ways you make me feel.
I love you.  I wish we wanted the same thing: to be together.  Not in any kind of "this is my boyfriend and we're monogamous" way, but in the way that I stay over most nights and sometime I do homework while you play Rockband or we read lines to each other or whatever and if I go to bed early you sneak in and try to not wake me up.  And some nights you wake me up at 2:30 because you can't stand to keep your hands to yourself anymore or I wake you up at who-knows-what-time because I'm not crying as quietly as I thought.  And if you have someone else you want to see that night or if I kiss someone else that's ok, because we are so comfortable in our own us-ness that things like that don't matter.  I'll always keep my own place, but I want a drawer at yours too.  And lets not brag it around to everyone because they don't all need to know.  Will you teach me to play guitar?

2.  I don't know what to say to you.  I love what we had, but I feel like I'm supposed to feel like it's time to change that.  We have to become adults sometimes, and while you might be ok with what's happening in your head, the fact that there are so many lies and sneaking about all the time means you also know that it's not really ok at all.  But I'm not the one who has anything to be honest about, so I don't really feel all that guilty.  And anyway, I love you.  I want to be the woman you marry when we're in our 40s and ready to settle down for reals this time.  It takes my breath away when I kiss you.  It always has.  Can you tell?

3.  I would if I could and if you would.  But you never will.  And I don't want to upset the very delicate balance of things.  I feel like Worf must have in the final season of TNG if you're Deanna and there are two Will Rikers (except slightly less hairy).  But if you ever wanted to, I have a holodeck program that has a sandy beach and a full moon and it absolutely romantic.  Just saying.

4.  I miss you.  Every day.  And then you didn't respond.  And now it's worse.  Why can't I come home?

5.  I wish you would stop talking to me.  I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel you'll go into another tailspin, and I DON'T want to be responsible for that, but you can't seriously believe that there's anything for you to try to befriend again after the shit you pulled the last time.  I don't want your drama that you bring upon yourself.  I don't want to deal with the demands of "being allowed" to be your friend.  I don't feel guilty for never wanting to see you again.  And I'd tell you all this if you were more emotionally stable.  In the meantime, I need for you to just stop, ok?  Find someone else to use; I'm not interested.

6.  I'd love to get to know you.  The distance thing puts a damper on it, and I get the feeling you're not an avid texter or else I'd keep things up that way.  You've got a decent shot, most likely, not least because someone I trust vouched for you in both an inebriated AND a sober state.  And besides, you have one of the awesomest hobbies ever (yes, I know that it should say "most awesome" but I'm ignoring the rules of grammar because of how awesome it is).

7.  I can't.  I thought I could, but I can't.  I won't change myself that much, and I won't go without what I need in hopes that you're going to eventually change.  You shouldn't change.  You should be you.  Someone will someday be introduced into your life with similar goals and relational needs.  But I am not that girl.  I am, in fact, a very different girl from that girl.  And it's not a matter of you not being a good guy, though you very well might not understand that when I tell you all of this.  I think you're an excellent guy, or we wouldn't have gotten this far.  I simply need different things than you can give me (not more, not better, just different), and I think you need different things that I can give you.  So before anyone gets more hurt than they're already going to, I think we should just call it quits.  It's better this way, I promise.

8.  Fuck.  You.  And not in a pleasant, orgasmic kind of way.  More in the "I hope you get hit by a bus and then burst into flames" kind of way.

9.  I hope you're doing alright.  I like my life better without you in it, but I still want good things for you.  I hope you end up getting what you wanted (except, of course, for the "being with Jocelyn" part).

10.  I wonder if you knew as a kid how much the things you said would impact me.  it's been 15 years, but I can still hear the things you said and I still look into the mirror sometimes with the same kinds of critical, mocking looks you used to give me in class and on the playground.  I wonder if you would be interested to know that, had I had better self esteem, I might have been accepted by the other kids, played harder, and not let the weight get out of hand.  I might not be this sick now.  I might have spent adolescence loving myself, not hiding in my weight, and it might not have become a friendly ally in my quest to hide my tears.  I might have been able to shed it early on, stayed on top of being healthy, and never felt like a diet would kill my only constant companion.

I wonder if you care as an adult, or if the loathing you developed in 3rd grade and carried through to graduation shields you from feeling guilty.  Did you think then that I deserved it?  Do you still?  Do you even remember why you started mocking me, why you were the ring-leader in destroying the inherent joy and trust of a little girl?  Why you took one of God's precious daughters and broke her spirit, made her feel ugly, left her jaded and destroyed even still?  How much of what you did then played a part in me clinging to a poisonous relationship even after it degenerated into nothing more than mental and sexual abuse?  

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming you for the way my life has gone so far.  I don't think it was only your playground taunts that have impacted my life.  In fact, I rarely think about you in all honesty.  But sometimes, when I least expect it, those ugly words come back and my inner child cringes, and it's all I can do to not look you up and demand an apology or at least an explanation.  But then I remind myself that you are (or anyway, you were) a Mormon boy and 10 is older than 8.  What that means for you, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is that you're going to be accountable for all of it some day.  Every action has a price.

There you have it.  I am anticipating a few texts now of "was I number X?" or "was number X person 1 or person 2?"  I'll answer honestly your very first guess, if you so choose to ask.  Because I'm a good sport like that.

Reflections On Turning 25

My birthday was last Friday.  The whole day was amazing.  I treated myself to a facial in the morning, work went well, then my family came over and we had a little four person celebration, and then we went o dinner along with a bunch of my friends.  Ariel and Andrew came up from Salt Lake; Meagan, Abby, Luke, Jared, Alex, DJ, and Gerrit were all there and looked really, really good; Jim stayed in Pocatello a few extra days to be there and he and Kyle sat together; Whitney came a little late because she was at a family function, but she was still there in plenty of time; and Amelia was there looking fabulous as always.  Everyone seemed to get along really well.  Dinner was excellent, and our waiters were really nice; one even did the group photo for us.  We ate in the loft of The Bridge, and it was just our little group upstairs.  I bought my own cake and my own flowers (two dozen white roses), and I looked amazing; I felt so powerful and ready to take on the world!  I couldn't have asked for a better day, except maybe if Jared and Jess had been able to come over and Jesse wouldn't have had to work.  It was fantastic.

For my birthday, I gave myself an amazing gift: the right to stop trying so hard.  I've been actively doing my part in dating and working so hard at it - I do a lot of asking, I try to meet people, I do my best to be friendly - and after failing to go on a second date since Nik and I were together, and after nine years of rejections and false starts and painful, broken-hearted nights of crying, I'm done.  I don't want to try anymore, and the hope in me is broken.  So, I gave myself permission to stop pursuing and trying.  It's relieving.

While I find it liberating, I did have a couple of loose ends on my birthday to tie up.  One person I was holding out for has finally done the thing that makes me realize there is nothing worth waiting around for.  We're still good friends, still "entangled" (I'm hoping, anyway) as it were, but it's clear now that he hasn't only got eyes for me and that's ok.  I'm happy for him.  The other person I was hoping that something would happen with I confronted about two weeks ago about his situation.  I'm worried about him because I think he's become complacent in his life and, as his friend, I'm worried that he's letting opportunities he once wanted to participate in pass him by simply because he's content to not change.  Since that conversation, he's been distancing himself from me more and more, and last night I finally realized that, while all practical reasoning says we are fairly perfect for eachother, he isn't in a place to do anything about it and even if he were he likely wouldn't.  It's complicated and crappy, but I'm done with it.

So here I am: 25, single, and finally free to do things and make choices and enjoy activities just for me.  It's hard, and kind of crappy sometimes (like tonight, when all I want is someone to cuddle up with who will hold me and let me cry and feel sorry for myself).  I never would have wished it on myself.  I feel a little bit like God let me down and made me promises he hasn't kept, which hurts.  BUT I also feel a little free.  My life isn't where I would have wished it, but it's not necessarily in a bad place either.  I have new dreams that have replaced the ones I used to have.  Not better, just different.  I've learned a lot, and I only have one major regret from it all.  Not bad for a quarter of a century, if I do say so myself.

New Life, New Blog Face

I decided to update the face of my blog because I feel like I'm headed on the right path towards a new life.  I've had a hard time blogging over the summer, partly because of time, but also because I wasn't quite sure which parts of what I was going through to share with everyone.  But now that the transition is basically over, hopefully I'll be more confident in sharing what's happening with my readers.

I've had a really hard time for several years as people have insisted that the best way to be is to be confident in who I am and be that person and to only display that single personality type.  I've found recently for myself, however, that this perspective is incredibly confining.  I can't think of anything more personally restrictive than choosing a single way of being and forcing myself to only exist in that one manner, regardless of any daily inclinations I might have to do something different.

While I realize that, for some, the idea of being only one personality is freeing - no need to remember who you are around which people or whatever.  For them, the idea of being different "people" might seem strange or even terrifying.  I can see how others might view my personal choice as downright schizophrenic.  I disagree with that assessment.  Someone who suffers from schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder does it because they cannot control it.  I can see how others might view my take on the matter as simply an unwillingness to commit to some ideal social standard of "what is normal."  Again, I disagree, but this time because of the pure and simple fact that being multifaceted with my personality is just that: a choice.

I've been afraid for so long to allow myself the option of being what is right for me.  I've spent a long time trying to be something definable, something that can be put into some kind of a classification.  But I've come to realize that, for me, doing so only denies my true nature and forces me to ignore several dimensions of my basic nature in order to display others.  I'm done with doing that.  It sucks.


The analogy to use is that of a diamond.  Uncut,  a diamond is certainly lovely and very strong.  It has several qualities of value, though its true potential has yet to be realized.  A cut diamond, on the other hand, shows quite a change.  The gem always retains its strength, but once the blemishes are removed and the edges cut and polished the diamond's true beauty is finally revealed.  It is only when the gem has facets cut into it that its true potential comes forth.  So it is with me.  In order for my true inner beauty, the potential I have within myself, to come alive and display itself for the world to see and appreciate, I can't confine myself to one or to basic, "acceptable" definitions.  I am deeper and wider and more faceted than that.  And it's only by letting myself be cut and polished that I am able to show not only my strength by also my beauty.  Only by choosing to be multifaceted am I able to show my complete worth.

Man, I suck at this blogging thing sometimes...

I haven't blogged in a while, and what do I chose to do?  Oh, that's right, I post one of these things that I used to do in junior high.  Sorry guys.

Taken from a friend on Facebook, lol.

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice? blue cheese

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? depends on what I'm in the mood for: Texas Roadhouse, Olive Garden, or IHOP

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? those huge chocolate muffins.  of course, at the end of two weeks, my butt will be HUGE.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice? olives, sausage, extra cheese

5. What do you like to put on your toast? butter, sometimes cinnamon and sugar

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house? 1

2. The color of your cell phone?  charcoal

3. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has? lots!

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? warts

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted? laundry basket.  I need to do laundry more often.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? not with a blow to the head or something, but I did get CO2 poisoning once, and that made me pass out

************BULLPOOPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name, so I would never change it!  but if I HAD to change it, I'd pick something classic, like Katherine  or Mary or Elizabeth.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? how big is the bottle?

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1 that I regularly wear

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops? a month ago I got pulled over for a missing tail light

3. Last person you talked to? my dad called this morning

4. Last person you hugged? Jim 

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season? summer

2. Holiday? Halloween

3. Day of the week? Friday

4. Month? May?

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone? yes

2. Mood? tired, stressed

3. What are you listening to? it's a Saturday morning, so cartoons of course!

4. Watching? see above

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning? my basement

2. What's the last movie you saw?  I Am Number Four

3. Do you smile often? some days

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone? far from it.  I screen calls.

2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message? this is not a question.  I don't know how to answer it.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be? I love my hazel eyes.  but I'd want them either really intensely gray, or deep green.

4. Do you own a digital camera? yes.  and I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures on it.

5. Have you ever had a pet fish? have one right now, actually.

6. Favorite Christmas song(s)? "Present Face" by Garfunkel and Oats

7. What's on your wish list for your birthday? kitchenaid (I won't get it)

9. Can you do a chin up? not a chance

10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? terrified

11. Do you have any saved texts? not anymore

12. Ever been in a car wreck? several

13. Do you have an accent? kind of.  I slur my words now a lot more than I did before England.

14. What is the last song that made you cry? I honestly don't remember

15. Plans tonight? LAVA!!!

16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yeah.  spent a good deal of time there, actually

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday? yogurt pretzels, licorice, and chocolate muffins

18. Have you ever been given roses? yes

19. Current worry? having to face adult responsibilities (like taking care of my parents) with no one to share that burden with.

20. I'll make another one up xD-favorite smiley? just the standard :)

21. Met someone who changed your life? everyone you meet can change your life, and most do

22. How will you bring in the New Year? that's a really good question, actually

23. What song represents you? "I'm a Little Teapot"?

24. Name three people who might complete this?  I don't even think people read my blog.  so possibly no one.  and, if so, I'd never really know about it.

25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes.  and I'd do my best to change it.

27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings? ears

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? maybe?

29. Does anyone love you? yep!

30. Ever had someone sing to you? most recently last Sunday

31. When did you last cry? a few days ago

32. Do you like to cuddle? YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES

33. Have you held hands with anyone today? I haven't seen anyone yet

34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? country

35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new

36. Do you like pulpy orange juice? on very rare occasions, but usually not

37. Do you believe angels walk among us? sure

Today, on Facebook, a friend of mine posted this in his "notes" section, and so I figured it would be nice to repost here.

WHO you are matters less now than ever before. Pedigrees no longer matter. You can go from nobody to famous, or rich, or happy, or successful without anyone else’s permission.
WHAT you are matters less now than ever before. Movie stars and wine experts, academics and ultimate wrestlers are all on the same playing field.
WHERE you are matters less now than ever before. You can be sharing photos from your basement apartment in Brooklyn, building a semi-conductor in your garage in Palo Alto, or leading a revolution in the streets of Egypt.
HOW you do what you do, matters less now than ever before. Doesn’t matter if you shoot it on a Panavision 35 or a HdSLR. It only matters that you did it.
What DOES matter is….
WHEN. If you don’t do it now, you might miss this amazing window.
and…
WHY. Why you do what you do always matters. Don’t even think of asking me to explain it.

My new goal is to be more aware of the opportunities that are right in front of me.

And, just like that, I did something brave today.

Remembering That I've Grown Up Can Be Hard

I've been bad lately.  Not to other people, but to myself.  That dirtbag from last post?  I may or may not have fallen for him just a tiny bit.  And it's making me pathetic.  It's times like these that I wish I owned the movie He's Just Not That Into You because Alex, played by one

Justin Long, being hott

of the hottest sexy skinny nerdy men of all time, dispenses some fantastic advice.  Advice I wish I could remember all the time, but can't ever seem to. Advice like "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." and "If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you." and "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."  Why do I keep forgetting this advice and trying so hard?  Why can't I seem to walk away from guys whose inattention leaves me feeling desperate and inadequate?  I'm better than this.

There's a lot of truth to the realizations Gigi comes to in the movie about being the "rule" rather than the "exception" in bad dating stories, but I don't think that's my problem.  I think my problem is that once, a long time ago, I convinced myself that I should never give up hope in dating and relationships, and that I never wanted to be the one guilty of giving up first or not trying hard enough.  And now, I'm paying for it.

Sort of.  I mean, in a cost/benefit analysis situation, I'm not really paying that much for it, assuming it eventually pays off.  I don't love putting myself out there and getting rejected, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be guilty of making too much of an effort than of not making any effort at all.  Gigi has something really great to say about all of this, so I'm going to let her take it away:

I would rather be like that, then be like you.  ...  I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are. 

How great is that?  And how true.  Some people think that in order to feel "truly alive" they have to go skydiving or something equally as crazy (or more so).  But not me.  I think living life to the fullest is about experiencing a full range of emotions, and doing so passionately.

Which means loving and hoping and giving passionately.  And hurting and crying passionately sometimes too.  And I'm ok with that.

What I'm not ok with is forgetting to treat myself well by dating (or pursuing) guys who make me feel expendable.  I need to work on that.

Surprisingly, I'm not surprised

Generally, I don't love blogs that whine for the sake of whining.  My policy tends to be somewhere between "If you don't like what's happening, change what's happening" and "The secret to having it all is believing that you do."  In other words, figure out how to fix your problems or quit whining about having them.

And yet today I find that the same complaint I've had for probably about a decade is still true.  Somewhere in my 15-year-old brain, I kept hoping that things would change when I, and those around me, became adults.  Turns out, the same problems that I had in high school are just as true today as they where nine years ago.

To explain what's happening, I should probably start about six months ago.  Last semester, there was a guy in my Stagecrafting class.  Seemed like a nice enough guy, and I tried talking to him a couple of times, but he basically seemed to blow me off.  Not a big deal.  He seemed at the time to be a little more mature than the freshman in the class, which is good seeing as he's three or so years older than I am, so I just chocked it up to the general "I'm more mature than everyone here and most of them are beneath me" attitude that many students get when they're older than nearly all of their peers.  I'm guilty of the same attitude on occasion.  Whatever.

Flash forward to Monday.  After a few times of people goading me to register at PlentyOfFish.com, I decided to finally give in.  After all, one never knows where he or she will find the opportunity that leads them to their next relationship.  So, swallowing my pride and realizing that I was a hypocrite to do so after all that I've said about online dating, I filled out a profile and uploaded a picture.  Huzzah?

Amusingly, this same guy was one of my top matches after I'd registered.  We happen to have some contact via the theater department for the next couple of weeks, so I mentioned it to him on Tuesday.  He went on and found me yesterday, and sent me his number.  He mentioned to me yesterday that he'd found my profile, and told me that I was something of a mystery because apparently my behavior in the theater building doesn't match my profile.

So when I got home last night, I checked my POF email to see what was up, and we both ended up being online.  We IMed, then we texted, and things seemed to be going ok.  He's interesting, and apparently I was interesting to him.  Seemed like a good sign.

He mentioned several times that he prefers truth and is open about things, but that he's shy and he doesn't get subtlety, so after some more texting this morning I mentioned that I'm fed up with calling the shots in relationships of any kind and that, if things were going to move past us being texting buddies, he'd have to make the effort first.  I also said that I was looking for a relationship and not a quick hookup.  And apparently that freaked him out.  I guess I don't get it:   I suppose being open about things is his specialty, not something he likes from others.

Or maybe he's just being like nearly every other guy I've met.  See, men seem to have this problem.  They say they want certain things in a woman - intelligence, independence, honesty - or that they don't like certain things - head games, promiscuity, Jessica-Simpson-esque conversation skills - and yet, when a woman like they've claimed to want shows up, rejection ensues.

This isn't just something that happens to me.  I know plenty of amazing, confident, intelligent, beautiful women who are single because men seem to be falling all over themselves to date the women who exhibit the media's idea of perfection and who are exactly what they claim to be trying NOT to find.  I don't understand this.

My silly little example is but one among many.  And who knows, maybe he's just waiting until he sees me tonight to hash it out.  But I doubt it.  I think that men would prefer that women go back to being 50s house wives, a la Stepford Wives.  It makes me sick.  No wonder I'm tired of dating.

For my male readers: your apparent ideal